


If We Don't Leave This Town

by ScaliaFics94



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, Multi, bellamy and clarke - Freeform, murphy x raven - Freeform, murven - Freeform, the 100 season 5, zaven, zeke x raven
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 39,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScaliaFics94/pseuds/ScaliaFics94
Summary: BELLAMY X CLARKE: One month after the valley is inhabited by everyone in thriving society. Clarke's still coming to grips with the change in her and Bellamy's relationship, but not enough to reduce her nightmares of him never have come back. The council butts heads as they come up with a solution for the crime in their community. Clarke takes a leap of faith by doing the unexpected





	1. Chapter 1

The song for this fic is The Lumineers - Sleep On The Floor

CLARKE'S POV:

Madi cleared her throat to announce her presence in the doorway. "Are you ready? The meeting's about to start."

Internally, I took a deep breath for good luck. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

She shrugged. "Gaia let me come check on you."

I motioned for the exit. "I'm fine. You can go back to class," I stepped into the bright light of the day and took in the hussle and bussle of Life Valley.

It had been a month since we'd gotten everyone to agree on integrating in the valley. Everyone was still up in the air about whether or not it would work. Fights broke out occasionally. Disputes grew heated. Everyone was so diverse in their customs that we struggled to get a handle on it without resulting in violence, but we needed another solutions. That's what our meeting was about today, which meant I had to interact with everyone.

"Go back to class," I instructed.

She spotted Bellamy across the way in a discussion with Echo. "Bellamy," She ran over.

I wanted to stop her but I couldn't without making a scene.

He turned around with a hardened face that softened when he saw her.

I watched him interact with her in a way that we hadn't in a long time.

He looked up and caught my gaze.

Things between us had been a little tense lately and it began to feel like it wouldn't ever get back to how we used to be. Maybe that was the point. We had changed into people that maybe no longer fit together like puzzle pieces.

I tore my attention away to start walking toward the meeting tent for the Council.

Octavia was already inside. She'd been the most vocal of us all about tightening up ship. "This is unacceptable. How do you expect us to lead without fear?" She had said in our first meeting after the valley came together.

She looked up at my arrival. "Wanheda,"

I recoiled at the name. "Don't call me that."

Diyoza kicked her clunky boots on the table and put her hands behind her head. "Here we go,"

I sat across from them with a restrained huff. "No one remembers Wanheda, no need to bring her back from the dead."

Octavia placed her hands on the table and leaned forward. "You may not be that person anymore but one of us needs to step up and command these people. We're letting them get away with too much. My people think I'm a joke now." She gestured to herself. "And that's not okay with me."

"And that has to do with me why?"

She slammed her fist on the table, her mouth frowned. "I lead my people with one rule, to go against us was death. Now we're letting them run around with zero punishment besides a slap on the wrist. If we don't take action they will revolt, try to overthrow us. What do you think they'll do to your precious Madi?"

I shot up. "I'd watch yourself if I were you,"

"I'm just stating facts. Plenty have tried to overthrow me in the bunker, I made sure they were used as lessons to keep the others in line."

Diyoza piped in, "She's right. We gave giving them time to acclimate a try, now we have to enforce laws."

"We're not using death as a punishment or have you learned nothing from the end of the world?"

The tent ruffled and in walked Bellamy. He looked between us in question. "What's going on here?" He sat at the end of the table beside neither of us.

"There were ten outbreaks in our first month here. None of them were met with consequence. Clarke wants to come up with a solution that doesn't beget death as a punishment while Octavia and I see the facts that without harsh penalty there's no reason to stay in line." Diyoza interjected.

I sighed. "I'm not saying there not be a penalty. We don't have to execute people so they know we're serious. We could banish them or put them on work detail."

Octavia scoffed.

Diyoza looked at Bellamy. "What do you think, Brown Eyes?"

My jaw clenched at her semi flirtatious tone whenever she talked to him. I rolled my eyes and caught his brief stare.

"We do need penalties a bit more extreme than work detail,"

I gaped at him. "You're not seriously suggesting-"

He held his hand up. "But we don't need to result in killing people either." He stared at them both pointedly.

Octavia crossed her arms. "Then what solution do you have, brother?"

We all stared at him.

"Why don't we let the people decide?"

"That's ridiculous." Diyoza laughed. "You can't really-"

Octavia held her hand up to pause her. "Actually, it's not a bad idea."

My forehead creased. "Seriously?"

"You said if we're going to do this then why not try out every possible fix, right?" Her tone not recognizable.

I could tell from the look in her eye that there was something she wasn't saying. Maybe something she figured out that we hadn't.

Out of habit, I turned to Bellamy to get his take on it.

He'd done the same.

We stared at each other, uncomfortable with the fact that we'd forgotten that we didn't do that anymore. I wasn't sure if it had to do with him and Echo, my jealousy, or that we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things. He was right in front of me and yet he still felt a million miles away.

I wanted to cry, but I cleared my throat and put on a brave face. "Are we done here?" I put my gaze on the middle of the air.

"How about a town meeting this evening to discuss?"

"Excellent," Octavia answered.

Bellamy's stiff voice said, "Okay with me."

"How about it, Clarke?"

I needed to get out of the room and away from Bellamy. "Yeah," I headed for the exitway.

"You need to talk to your girlfriend," I heard Octavia mumble to him as I exited. "She's losing her mind."

Instead of making it into a big deal I wandered through the valley. There were vendors selling food, jewelry, clothes, medicine. It was eery how much it reminded me of Tondc. Everything was so different back then. So many people died. And now I was afraid we'd make the same damn mistakes.

Raven played the guitar while she perched against the railing of her and Emori's place. "Why the long face?" She continued to play. "Let me guess, you saw Bellamy."

I didn't dignify that with an answer. I sat beside her on the railing. "I feel like I'm flailing in the ocean." My forehead went to her shoulder.

"Have you thought about taking a break from leading the world for once?"

"If I did that then I'd definitely drown."

She laughed. "Always dramatic,"

I looked up at her. "I'm sorry, how many times has the world ended around us?"

She let me have that one. "Fine, but the biggest thing stressing you out you can control."

My hand stopped her from playing. "I can't control that."

She nudged me off. "You know what I mean. You have the power to walk over there," She nodded in the direction he walked from. "And talk to him. Do you not?"

It wasn't that simple. Yet she was right.

Murphy, Miller, and Zeke headed our way. They were leading a bootcamp for stress relief as their way of easing tensions. They started it as soon as they saw eye to eye way before the valley came together. They'd gotten about a dozen give or take on board but some were still skeptical. Hell, maybe I should join it. I needed some of my tensions relieved.

Raven saw them coming and dragged her fingers along the strings in a very untalented way. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they were shirtless and very sweaty.

I couldn't blame her. My attention was held captive by Zeke's chocolatey abs and everything.

He saw us staring and winked. "Ladies,"

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Raven stared at him like he was a snack. He stared back at her in the exact same way.

Murphy noticed the exchange and ran faster.

Zeke continued to hold her gaze a moment longer.

"Is he boiling your potatoe?" I teased.

She finally looked at me with a half scowl, then it disappeared when she asked, "How are the nightmares coming?"

They started before they landed back on Earth and somehow they worsened after he got here. It was like my brain was stuck on a loop of getting him back to only lose him over and over again in a vicious cycle of night terrors. Perhaps it was my heart that had the trouble not accepting reality and not my head.

I looked at the ground.

"That well, huh?"

"So you haven't been talking to my mother about it then?" I stared out at the crowd.

She went back to strumming her guitar. "What do you expect out of us, Clarke? To stop caring?"

The smell of grilled meat drifted to my nose. "Does everyone know?"

Did Bellamy?

"How could he know, you literally scream his name in your sleep."

My face turned red. I pressed my hands into my face and shook my head. This was so embarrassing.

She placed a hand on my shoulder. "Relax, 'kay."

I looked at her. "I can't, that's kind of the problem."

Mischief danced in her brown eyes. "You know what you need?"

I was afraid to ask.

"Let me set you up with this guy that I met the other day, he's pretty cool. He's already expressed interest in you."

"A blind date, Raven? I can't."

Her head tilted to the side. "You want to know what you're problem is? You're still acting like the end of the world is coming again. And maybe it is, but we have time now. Time to just live. We're all trying to figure out what that means. Maybe you should too."

When she put it like that I was a bit one track minded. Could I be blamed? Ever since we stepped foot on this planet we had to be in survival mode. She was right, we didn't have to live that way anymore. If we didn't have to live that way anymore then why was I the only one still breaking my back to fix our problems?

I looked around and could easily spot our friends enjoying themselves and doing their own things. Monty and Harper started an health food stand, he was excited to play around with other ingredients besides algae.

Emori started a dance group that Echo helped out with in her spare time, but weapons training was her first love.

Bellamy was helping Kane and my mom do routine check ups.

Raven had her music. She hadn't given up on engineering, she said she wanted a break.

I...Well, I didn't have anything besides being a mother, which I supposed was a full time job in its own right.

"What should I wear?" I asked to give this having my own thing a shot.

She grinned, then looked down at my outfit. "Anything but that."

"What's wrong with what I have on?"

With a sigh, she rose. "Let's take a walk."

I ended up getting a redish, blackish leather dress that wasn't really my style but I hadn't had the opportunity to dress up since I stayed with Lexa in the tower. Wearing this on my first ever date was a bit nerve-wracking.

Raven helped do my hair. She pulled and twisted a few strands back on each side. "You're going to have fun tonight."

I sighed. "Raven, I can't wear this."

"What? You look amazingly hot."

Exactly.

"What if I don't like this guy? What if he gets the wrong idea?" Nerves flapped in my stomach. "I should wear something a little more practical."

She leaned forward to look at me. "Practical is overrated. Ilian is a nice guy. He's hot. I think you're going to like him. If you don't then you can say you went out tonight looking sexy as hell and you tried. And if he can't handle you in this dress that's his problem. Right?"

My eyes rolled. She had all the points. I nodded.

"Let me put on some of this powder that Harper and Emori came up with. They call it makeup. I don't know why."

I let her poke at my face until she was satisfied. "If you keep this up I'm going to be late."

"Who's excited now?"

To tell you the truth, I was a bit excited. The act of blindly getting to know someone for one night was a bit scary but to my understanding, people used to do it all the time back when everything imploded.

"You look amazing." She beamed as she now stood in front of me. "He's going to lose his shit."

"Ilian?"

She gave a thumbs up. "Uh huh." She grabbed a bottle from her bag off of my makeshift dresser and handed it to me. "Here, just a sip."

After one more pep talk, I stepped outside. The night air had cooled off from the heat of the day.

Madi sat outside my tent with her arms crossed. She had a permanent scowl on her face.

"What's wrong, Madi?"

Her head shook.

Raven and I glanced at each other.

"Okay, I'm cancelling."

Madi looked up at me with hopeful eyes. "Really?"

Raven held up a finger. "Absolutely not." She stared at Madi. "How about I take you to Emori's dance circle and I'll buy you some dinner?" Raven offered.

She pouted like every teenager and had an attitude. She'd been that way since I told her I was going on a blind date.

"I've got this," Raven assured. "Go have fun."

I didn't know if it was possible but with a quick hug and a kiss on Madi's forehead, I started for one of the two "restaurants" we had. Really it was outside seating with table service and a makeshift kitchen several feet away, but it was better than when we first started out.

The valley was beautiful at night. Every several feet there were fires to keep the area well light. Seasoned meat and veggies gave the crisp air a vibrant feel with the many sounds of music in the background. The laughter and conversation felt monumental. People were getting along here, maybe not as much as we wanted, but they were coming together on their own. People were starting to procreate because it felt like they had the chance to bring them into this world. I was excited to see what this community would look like with little kids running around.

When I got to the restaurant there were already a few people sitting. I froze in place when I saw Bellamy sitting across from Echo, the two of them laughing. Of all the restaurants in this joint and I had to have my first date a few feet away from him.

"Clarke,"

I torn my gaze away from Bellamy to take in an extremely attractive guy with golden skin like Bellamy's and longish hair. He was well built. Did I mention he was attractive?

"Hi," I reached forward to shake his hand.

He shook mine with a light laugh. "Hi, nice to meet you."

My eyes back to Bellamy to find him staring at me. "You too," I told Ilian as I sat. My brain screamed for me to look away from Bellamy but my eyes didn't quite get the message and it wasn't like he parted his gaze either.

"Ah," Ilian said. "A rebound date."

My eyes snapped to him. "What?"

He gestured with his eyes in Bellamy's direction. "I figured there was something going on but I wasn't quite sure."

"There's nothing go-"

A server came to pour us some water and give us menus, then gave us time to decide on the four options.

I leaned forward to finish the conversation. "There's nothing going on between us."

He peered over his menu in an amused fashion. He clearly didn't believe me. "Leave it to me to fancy a woman that's got another man's heart."

"Ilian," I was about to deny it but I didn't know what lie to tell him.

He leaned forward with his elbows on the table, his brown eyes on me. "Clarke, it's okay. It was a long shot that someone like you wasn't tied up." He offered a charming smile.

A smile tugged at my lips at his compliment. "Thanks, I think."

The server brought out a basket of bread.

He grinned back. "Now, I heard the grilled nondescript bird with sauteed algae is good." He glanced at the menu, then back at me with a cheeky grin.

I laughed. "Who'd you hear that from?"

"Jealous?" He raised a teasing brow.

I tore off a piece of my roll to chuck at him playfully. "Not even a little bit."

We ordered when the server came back. It took everything in me to not look back at Bellamy and Echo. I wasn't some child with a schoolgirl crush anymore. My choices were move on or move on. He was happy with Echo.

I sneaked a glance at them out of the corner of my eye, it appeared like they were talking about something hushed.

"So did you know who I was when Raven told you?" Ilian asked.

My head shook. "No, but I remember seeing you around now that I think about it." He'd been at the town hall meetings, of course. He helped who I assumed was his father run a clothing shop. Did Raven get this dress from him?

He seemed pleased by that. "What did Raven tell you about me exactly?"

I thought back to our initial conversation. "Only that you had a big crush on me?" I grinned so he knew I was joking.

He gave a laugh. "You're not too far off."

I found myself blushing. Not necessarily because I liked him but because it had been so long since anyone liked me. I already said he was really attractive, right?

"If I couldn't feel the daggered stare of the Alpha male to my left I'd feel like there was a shot," He whispered.

My smile felt fake at his words. "He's protective. Old habits die hard, I guess."

Raven and Monty set up post by the edge of dance floor. Raven started playing her guitar while Monty drummed away.

"I didn't realize they played together." I watched in amazement.

He nodded. "They're good, right? This is their fourth night playing here."

I bopped my head to the beats.

He stood and held a hand out. "Do you want to dance?"

Why not.

I took his hand. We made our way over to the dance floor. I hadn't danced in so long, maybe since our last dance up on the Ark.

Ilian made it look easy. He moved with the beat of the music freely.

The few sips of whatever Raven gave me had kicked in so I easily swayed with him. There was nothing romantic about our dance. We weren't even touching. It was more like jumping around, twisting and turning while we laughed.

Raven caught my eyes and smiled encouragingly.

I sent her a thankful grin. She pushed me to go out and low and behold, I had fun. I wasn't sitting at home in my head about things that were out of my control.

Ilian took ahold of my arms and we swung around a few times, which dizzed us both out, but we still got a laugh out of it. He placed his hand on my arm to get my attention. "Our food is on the table."

As we went back to our table I noticed Echo and Bellamy walk away. A little of my contentment washed away, replaced by longing. I wanted to be the one holding his hand as we walked down the lively valley at night. I wanted to be the one that he sat across these tables with and ate dinner like a real couple. I wanted him.

"Woah," Ilian got my attention back. "You want to tell me again that there's nothing going on there?"

I huffed. My hand gripped the back of my neck. "Bellamy and I, we're complicated."

"No kidding," He dug into his food. "You guys ever hook up?" He grinned at my surprised mouth drop. "We're all adults here, Clarke."

I wanted to glance over my shoulder to see if he was still in view. That was how much I missed him. I pushed my fork through the algae. "No, never. But..." I didn't know if I should say the words.

"But you wanted to," His eyes ran over my face. "It must've been hard living apart for six years."

My lips pulled into a wry smile. "Now it feels like he never came back."

His fork clanked on his plate. "Can I ask you something personal?"

I looked at him with a raised brow. "Isn't that what we've been doing?"

"Yeah," He shrugged. "Alright," He leaned back in his seat. "Why do you have nightmares?"

My face had never felt so hot. He knew. Everyone knew, that wasn't news.

"You don't have to answer," He assured.

I scratched at my temple. "No, it's fine. I haven't really settled back into society yet." My teeth sunk into my lip. "I'm trying to be who I was before but everything's different. I'm different. He's different." I felt my eyes sting. "I can't expect him to drop his girlfriend, his new life just to be with me."

"Why can't you be friends?"

I shrugged. "I tried. He tried. Maybe there's too much history there to even pretend."

The music changed tempo into something softer.

He looked back at Raven, then turned a bit jittery. "Hey, I hate to do this, but I completely forgot that my mom and I had a huge order for tomorrow." He stood from his chair.

"What?" I couldn't help but look confused.

He looked apologetic. "I'm an ass, I'm so sorry."

I was about to stand up, my mood a bit sour at the turn of events. I reached for our barter cash.

"No, here. It's on me." He placed enough money to cover the both of our meals on the table, apologized a few more times, then left with, "I had a good time. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I sat there trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. He had a clothing order emergency? How likely was that? He just realized I was too hung up on another guy to even be friends with me. Was I destined to be guyless or girlless for the rest of my days? I needed to clear my head, but I didn't know how to do that.

I got to my feet with a sigh. When I turned around I froze at the sight of Bellamy standing a few feet away. Words escaped me as we stared at each other. My heart thumped rapidly.

He came back.

His dark gaze felt heavy on me. He walked over to my table. "Mind if I sit?"

"Yeah,"

His forehead creased. "Oh," He began to walk away. "Sorry to bother you."

Confusion overtook me and I realized my phrasing. "Bellamy,"

He stopped and turned around with a cautious look.

"I-I meant that you could sit." I wasn't a fumbly person but I was in front him. "If you want to."

He gestured to the table. "I don't want to ruin your date."

An ironic laugh left me. "I did that all on my own." I pressed my lips together and sat down with a nod in the direction of the chair across from me.

He came to sit. He looked as uncomfortable as I felt. "You look nice,"

I grinned. "Thanks. Raven insisted that I wear this." I gave an awkward laugh. "It's not really me." But I felt uncharacteristically me in it.

"I don't know, you look more Clarke than I've seen in a long time." His eyes fell up and down my body.

My body felt like it was on high alert. "Really?"

His eyes met mine. "The last time I saw you dressed up was when we came to rescue you from TonDC." His voice held a strain of reminiscence. "You looked beautiful then too."

A smile broke out on my face, I didn't even try to hide it. "Are you hungry?" I lifted my plate up a bit. "I couldn't eat much."

Without a second thought, he took a forkful of my mystery meat. "Were you nervous?"

A crackle hit through the sky.

We looked up but nothing else happened.

I cleared my throat. "A bit." I leaned forward when he offered me some of the food on the fork. I swallowed before I answered. "I haven't really ever been on a date." I sat back and some of the stress melted away with his presence. "Not a proper one, there's never been time."

He nodded. "Now we've got nothing but time."

We locked eyes, an unspoken wave of knowing passed through us.

"Are you going to see him again?"

I leaned my head on my fist on the table. "I don't know. He ran out of here so fast." I thought back to the very embarrassing act.

"It looked like you were having fun and if he doesn't try to make it up to you then he's an idiot."

I wasn't sure what possessed me to say it but I did, "There's a lot of that going around." My words held a bit of bite to them.

Lightning flashed through the darkened sky.

He stopped eating. "What's that supposed to mean?" He looked up at me with a clenched jaw.

My shoulders shrugged. "I don't know. Seems like you've got your hands full nowadays. I don't want to get in the way of that."

The sky cracked again.

I stared at my lap.

"You don't want to get in the way of that?" He asked with a hard voice. "Could've fooled me. You rush out of a room every time I enter. You barely talk to me. You can't even look at me."

More lightning followed.

"How am I supposed to make time for you when you don't even want to be around me?"

I felt the beginning of tears as it started to drizzle. "How can I be around you when you're with her?" I demanded.

The wind started to pick up.

He grew still. "Clarke,"

Before he could see me cry over this, I shot up from the table. The thunder became more frequent. I marched away.

"Hey," He called after me. "Are you going to keep running away?"

I ignored him. If I focused on not crying then I wouldn't.

He grabbed my hand. "Clarke," He wouldn't let me go forward. "Look at me, please."

I gave in and stared up at him. "What?" My voice came out all crackly from trying not to cry. "Are you going to tell me that I'm being silly, that things haven't changed between us, that we can still be friends even though we aren't the same?"

His eyes softened. "Is that what this is about? Echo did not replace you, Clarke."

My laugh was sour. "No, she didn't. You just moved on with your life with her when I spent everyday of those six years radioing you," I couldn't keep the venom out of my voice. I threw our hands apart. "

"I thought you were dead!" His eyes grew angry and moist.

I stilled. This wasn't new information but it was different to hear him say it then infer it.

The drizzle turned into a heavy rain in an instant.

"I mourned you everyday and eventually I moved on because I knew that if you were up there with us it wouldn't have made a difference. You didn't see me the way I saw you."

And there it was. The unspoken thing between us became spoken.

The rain had soaked us both. His hair was plastered to his face. He shoved it back and for a second he looked like the Bellamy I first saw when he opened the dropship door.

"You want to talk about us now yet you still can't accept it that I was in love with you back then." He yelled over the storm.

I wanted to run away. He was right. I was a runner. But it only happened when it came to him...because I was afraid of what would happen if I stood still.

He stared at me as he waited for me to say something. When I didn't he started to walk away. "Great conversation."

How did I tell him he was my home and someone else had moved in when I got an eviction notice?

He'd been right. When it came down to it, I couldn't face that fact with him for whatever reason. So all of this had irrevocably been my fault.

My stomach flipped, a heavy wave of emotion hit me while I stood there with the rain beating down on me. I covered my face when the tears came.

"It's okay," Raven turned me around and hugged me to her.

I let out a sob. "It was my fault." I cried into her shoulder.

She hugged me tightly. "No, it's not." She rubbed my back. "I promise."

Every time I repressed my emotions since he came down flooded out of me now. I didn't try to hide my sobs, it wasn't like anyone could hear them over the storm anyway. He had said it, I'd been the one to mess everything up. They'd been messed up those entire six years. Why couldn't I have explained to him back then that I wasn't ready? How could I tell him now that I was without sounding like the worst person ever?

"He hates me," My voice shook. I shook.

"He doesn't hate you, you idiot. He's confused."

It wasn't fair to expect him to have worked through it if he was. He let me go and put his heart with someone else. I felt so lost.

She ushered me forward.

He wasn't anywhere in sight. He was really gone. My Bellamy was really gone.

I tried to dry my eyes but it was no use due to the rain.

Once back at my place, she helped me clean up. She assured me that Madi was with Harper and Monty. She sat me on my bed. "I'm only going to say this once because I love you,"

I looked at her with tired eyes.

"Either nut up or shut up."

"Excuse me?" I felt defensive.

She wiped my face off with some cloth. "There's only so much I'm willing to listen to before I tell you to go for it or throw in the towel. This is me telling you that."

My hand grabbed hers. "How the hell am I supposed to do that? You saw how our talk ended. I don't know how to talk to him anymore."

We were used to relying on each other in extreme situations. There wasn't anything that extreme now to push us toward saving each other's lives or bargaining for each other. How did two people that couldn't figure out their feelings suddenly become friends in the midst of not knowing each other anymore?

Her head shook. "You need to figure it out for your sanity and mine. You're a grown ass woman. You love him. All you have to do is tell him that, put yourself out there for once."

I hated that she was such a real friend sometimes, she never hesitated to tell me like it was.

"You either tell him how you feel soon or you lose your chance." She gave me a hug and left.

But he was with Echo? How was I supposed to put myself out there? I'd look like an idiot. He'd tell me he was with her and that we could only be friends, but it wouldn't ever be like it was. As crazy as it sounded, I wanted to go back in time. Even if it meant reliving those six years over gain.

I talked myself out and in of finding him a thousand times before the storm stopped. When it came down to it, I couldn't muster up the balls big enough to open myself up to that rejection. Ultimately, I fell asleep.

I stared at him across a field. Madi tugged him forward until we were face to face.

My hand covered my mouth in disbelief that he was really in front of me.

He cracked a watered eyed grin. "Hey, Princess."

I went to him with tears down my face. "Bell,"

Everything melted away.

He made the first move because I was frozen in place. His arms wrapped tightly around me.

I started to cry. "Where have you been?" I asked into his chest.

"I'm here now," He kissed the top of my head. He felt too good to be real.

"Promise you won't leave again," I looked up at him vulnerable eyes.

He held my face in his hand. "I promise." He grinned.

I smiled at him through teary eyes.

He leaned down to meet my mouth with his for the very first time.

All of my breath left me as my knees grew weak.

He held me to him, he enhanced our kiss my opening up his mouth.

I was afraid that he'd disappear at any moment like so many times before. I broke away to make sure he was real. My hands ran over his shoulders, through his hair, across his lips. "You're real? You're really here?"

He smiled. "What do you think?"

I smiled back. "I think this is too good to be true."

His face cracked with his composure. He bellowed out a laugh as if this was all one big joke.

My hands fell away from him. I backed up with the knowledge that like every other meeting I recalled, this was in my head. And I couldn't wake up.

He vanished along with his laughter.

Rage filled me but all that came out was an frustrated cry. I begged and begged for him to come back but he never did.

There was a tingly sensation along my forehead as hair was gently pushed out of my face. "Clarke," Another hand cupped my cheek. "Wake up," The voice whispered gently.

My eyes popped open and I gasped awake. My breath came heavy as I gathered my surroundings. Sweat made my night clothes stick to my skin along with my hair. I noticed a pair of brown eyes down at me. Then I took in the handsome face that surrounded them, the warm, calming touch that hijacked over my body. My mouth felt dry. "Bell,"

He looked a mix of relieved and heartbroken.

I couldn't understand why he was here. I sat up on my bed to get a better sense of what happened. My face was slick with tears, I recalled my nightmare.

Great.

"You heard that, didn't you?" I didn't look him in the eyes.

He moved a bit closer. "Yeah, I was coming to talk to you,"

I ran my hand through my hair. "Why?" I caught my breath.

"I didn't like how we left things." He paused. "I saw you,"

My eyes went to his in question.

"I turned back and saw you crying with Raven." He cleared his throat. "I wanted to apologize, but I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry."

A heavy breath left me. "You said what you meant." I stared into his eyes with my heart on my sleeve. "You were right. I didn't want to accept that you had feelings for me."

"We don't have to talk about this now." His forehead creased.

I bit my lip nervously. "If I don't then I'll lose my nerve."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and waited for me to continue.

"I wasn't ready to come to terms with those feelings six years ago, I had a lot of growing to do before I could accept them. When I did and you came down it was too late." I felt like I was going to empty the contents of my stomach out. "I know that I should've cleared the air then but I was afraid." My eyes pricked with wetness. "I'm still afraid." I looked down at my fumbling hands. "You were my best friend, Bell. And now it feels like I don't have a friend at all, like you never came back."

He tried to find his words. "Is that what your dream was about?"

I looked up at him. "You really don't know?"

"Know what?" He looked concerned.

The urge to reach out and touch him was so strong. I ignored it. "I have nightmares every night that you come back and then you disappear like you were never there." I felt a sense of shame telling him the most obsessive part of my feelings for him.

He reached forward.

I recoiled back, I looked at him with wide eyes. "Please don't." My throat felt heavy. "If this turns out to be another dream..." Fat tears welled in my eyes. I tried to blink them away but they wouldn't leave. "I can't take that."

He reached forward again.

"Please," My teeth clenched together when my tears spilled over. I couldn't help from trembling.

He ignored me and brought me to him anyway. "I'm sorry."

My head shook. I weakly pushed against his chest. "You left me." I cried.

He didn't let go.

"You left me," I ugly sobbed. My hands beat against his chest as hard as I could manage. "You left me behind," The double meaning hung between us. "How could you..." My voice broke.

"I'm sorry," He tightened his hold. He must've been crying because my shoulder was wet.

I gave one last attempt at pushing him away that was too weak to move a fly, then I crumbled into him, unable to see through my tears.

"How could you?" My voice was just under a whisper.

He held me in his warm arms. He recognized the moment I stopped crying and made me look at him.

I knew I looked a hot mess times ten but he still looked at me as he did when I was dressed up earlier. My eyes ran over his face. He had in fact been crying.

With his hands holding both sides of my face and mine clutched to his neck, we were in a peculiar position. One with barely an inch of space between us. One where our eyes were locked with the promise of never leaving each other's again. One where I ached to feel his lips move against mine lovingly.

I was on the precipice of begging him to when he inched his mouth toward mine.

"Princess," He muttered yearningly. He was so close.

My lips couldn't take the wait and I took the distance away by testingly placing mine on his.

He sat stock still, nothing moved but his lips against mine.

I let out a gasped moan at the feeling that swirled inside of me. My hands went to his hair as I tugged greedily on his lips. I pushed my tongue onto his. At that point, the strength he'd been holding onto broke.

He grabbed my hips and pointedly pulled me against his erection. His hand grabbed the back of my neck to deepen the kiss on his part.

I grinded into him with the intention of making him harder. My arm hung around his shoulder as I let us fall back onto my bed with him on top of me. My legs wrapped around his lower back.

He stilled.

"What's wrong?" Then I remembered that he wasn't in the same place I was. He had Echo.

He pulled away with a sigh. "I can't do this with you," His eyes held regret. "Not like this."

No part of me should be shocked because I should've thought of that before but it escaped me. Along with him.

"Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

What choice did I have? We'd gotten in this mess by not talking about things.

I nodded.

He got off my bed and stiffly walked away.

"Bellamy," I shocked myself by calling him.

He looked over his shoulder.

"Can you stay?" I felt terrible asking, but I needed him right now. I hated being this dependent, but my head was messed up and I needed the reassurance just this once.

He looked so torn in that moment until he walked back to me.

I hadn't realized I held my breath until he settled in behind me. I laid back, uncomfortably so.

We stared up at the roof of the tent. Awkward silence filled the air.

I had to say something, so I said, "Thank you."

"For what?"

My head turned to him. "For stopping things. For staying."

His head turned to me. He was about to say something then stopped himself.

To save him the trouble, I turned on my side. Thankfully, I was tuckered out from all the crying and emotions, so I fell asleep fairly quickly.

When I woke the next morning I half expected that he'd be gone. Yet he was still beside me. I woke up in the same position I went to sleep in.

He had his back to me as well.

I made myself get up because staying in bed with Bellamy wasn't the right thing to do. He'd done his part to ease his conscience. Now I had to be a big girl and pull myself up by the bootstraps.

The Sun hadn't yet rose but the first light colored the sky. I spotted the bootcamp group stretching and waved. It was uplifting to see former delinquents, tatted and scarred grounders, and hardened criminals stretching their hamstrings.

Murphy jogged over to me. "You're up early."

I rubbed my hands over my arms to warm them up. "Yeah, couldn't fall back to sleep."

"You want to talk about it?"

If you had told me that Murphy would ask if I was okay and genuinely mean it when we first landed here I would've laughed up a lung. He'd come a long way. I was proud of him.

My head shook. "No, not really." I nodded a hello to the others.

He offered a challenging grin. "You want to hang out with us?"

I almost laughed. "You're not serious are you?"

Murphy had put on a bit of muscle since he started running the bootcamp with Miller and Zeke. I wasn't afraid to put on muscle, I just didn't think I had what it took to go through their bootcamp.

"What have you got to lose?"

Besides my dignity? My breath. Well, I had already lost both of those in the course of my life. I could say no, go back inside, and wait for Bellamy to wake up so we could have that dreaded talk about how he didn't see me that way and blah blah blah.

Or I could continue to run from my problems, but in a much healthier way. Maybe the chance to push myself to my limits again would be good for me.

"I don't have any clothes for this?" I admitted disappointedly.

He grinned. "I think I can spare some." He as promised had clothes for me.

I quietly slipped back into my tent, got dressed, and laced up my boots. My eyes went to Bellamy fast asleep. It would take nothing for me to get on the bed and cuddle up beside him. But it wouldn't be right.

He turned over, but remained asleep.

I backed out of there with the solid focus of taking my mind off of all things romance.

Murphy helped me stretch, "You ready to rumble?"

Was I ready to be anywhere but here? Hell yes.

The group started to jog away from the valley. I kept up with them until we got a quarter of a mile away and I couldn't control my breathing to keep running.

Murphy fell behind to stay with me. "You can do this. Just breathe."

That worked for a while longer until I tripped and fell to my knees. My hands were scuffed as, but I stayed like that to catch my breath. I couldn't do this. The idea was laughable really.

"Let's go, Griffin." Murphy jogged in place in front of me. "You can rest when we're done, just get back up."

I shook my head. "I'm done. I'm sorry, this isn't for me."

He stopped. "This isn't for you? Have you seen yourself?"

I gaped up at him. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

His arms crossed. "Only that you're clearly unhappy with your life. You came on this bootcamp because you needed to fill some void, to work some shit out, right? How are you supposed to do that by giving up when you get knocked down?"

My temper flared. "I said I can't do this," Bile rose in my throat, but I pushed back the vomit. "Just go!"

He stayed where he was.

"Leave!" I yelled.

With a sigh, he crouched down in front of me. "If you stop here now, you will regret it."

I met his eyes. I wanted to give up.

"You can do this, Clarke. I know you can." He offered a hand. "You just have to get up and keep moving." His voice held so much certainty that I believed him.

"What if I fall again?"

He offered a supportive grin. "Then I'll be there to tell to get your ass up."

When my mind won out over my body I took his hand and got to my feet. Truth be told, I was scared.

"I was afraid the first time too. What if I didn't succeed? What if I did?" He jogged in place.

"What happened?" I stared at the group far ahead of us, they were at the point of splitting up themselves.

He playfully slapped my shoulder. "I'm standing here waiting for you kick this bootcamp's ass."

I blew out a heavy breath. Quitting was not something I was used to. Truthfully, I wanted to finish this so I could tell myself I did it. I couldn't win the race if I never started, right?

My feet slowly but surely took me forward. Murphy stayed with me until he was sure that I wasn't going to give up. I thought about it a few more times as I prayed that it would all be over soon.

When we reached the man made hills I wanted to throw in the towel but Miller shouted a motivational, "You quit now and what was this all for?" He stood at the top of the third and final hill when we all stopped to catch our breath. "You wanna quit, go ahead. Walk your asses back to camp knowing you refused to believe in yourself. That you didn't give yourself the chance to finish."

I'd never seen him in tough love instructor mode, if he wasn't gay...

Four others attempted to run up the hill. Two made while the other two stumbled back down and lost their temper. Murphy embraced the one that started crying.

The only other girl in the group looked my way. Her red hair was soaked back in a bun from sweat. "Clarke, right?" She held out her hand.

"Yeah," I shook her hand.

"Feona," She gestured to the hill. "Want to show these boys who's boss? On the count of three?" Even though she was tired she had a look of determination in her green eyes, a determination that held a challenge for me.

I nodded. "One."

She grinned. "Two."

"Three,"

We took off up the hill with the sheer motivation of beating the guys. My legs were burning something fierce but I kept going. I could barely breath but I kept going.

Someone threw up behind us.

Zeke fell behind to check on him.

As bad as it was, I was strangely comforted by everyone else's struggle. I wasn't sure why I expected to be the only one that couldn't do this with flying colors. And as much of an awful time I was having, I was also enjoying myself. Something about being constantly on the brink of giving up, sobbing in defeat, vomiting, and finishing this bootcamp was exhilarating.

By the time we'd gotten to the mud pit my stomach turned and I did vomit. I wanted to throw in the towel. Why had I done this again?

Feona held my hair back. "You're not quitting on me, are you?"

There was barbed wire a few feet off of the manmade mudpit.

"Come on, let's go!" Zeke ushered the ones that had arrived under the barbed wire. "You done over there, Clarke?"

The vision of Bellamy and Echo together, of everyone else having their own thing, of my unhappiness taunted me.

My hand clawed the dirt. My muscles ached. My heart hurt. My shins screamed. My eyes teared up. A single tear dropped onto the ground. The ground had had enough of my tears. No more. No more! I slammed my fist into the Earth.

"Are you done, Clarke?" He came to yell in my face.

"No!" I yelled back. I got to my feet. "I'm not."

Miller started singing some old timey Military song.

Feona raced for the mudpit. "Eat my dust,"

I ran and fell to the mud. The mud touched every part of me. My hair got tangled in the wire at first. The need to keep going made me leave it behind. I cried out at the pain of the ripped hair. Now I knew the keep my head down. The taste of vomit, mud, sweat, and tears filled my mouth.

"There's no going back, you're in it now," Zeke screamed at me when I rested after the wire snagged some skin on my tricep. "How are you going to turn around?"

"I'm not," I crawled forward, completely out of breath. Blood trickled down my arm. It wasn't enough to cause me to pass out but damn did it hurt.

"Pain is temporary! It may last for a minute, or an hour, or a

day, or even a year. But eventually it will subside and something else will

take its place. If I quit however, it will last forever." Miller told us.

We neared the sound of running water, which meant we weren't too far from the valley now. I came to a stop not expecting to have to cross the lake on.

Feona jumped in with all she had.

I learned how to swim in my six year sentence. Well, Madi taught me. When I wanted to give up then she encouraged me to keep practicing. Eventually, I didn't flail underneath the surface. She'd want me to finish this. A little water wasn't going to stop me.

I backed up a few feet, then jumped into the water. My limbs pushed me toward the surface, I took in a big breath and swam toward the other side of the lake where knotted ropes were tied to a railing that seemed to be bolted in the ground.

How much time did they spend on this course?

My arms grabbed ahold of the rope, it burned my hands when I tried to climb. My boots were too worn down and wet to allow me good grip. Inevitably, I fell back into the water. Apparently, my upper arm strength wasn't up to par. I watched in frustration as others managed their way up the hill.

"It's almost over," A guy said to me as he climbed up.

I can. I will. I must. I repeated it in my head until I forced my way up. My arms felt like jello and I feared I'd fall back again, but I was so close.

Feona waited for me at the top with a smirk. "What took you so long?" She held a hand out to help me up the rest of the way.

Gratefully, I took it. I wanted to lay down for a few seconds but she pulled me forward.

"Seriously?" I complained at the mile left back to the valley.

She placed the sandbag over my shoulder. "Seriously." She grabbed hers and waited for me to start running.

I didn't know this girl before this bootcamp, I hadn't noticed her ever. She had seen my worst side thus far and here she was making sure I didn't fall behind or give up. As we ran together I felt the bond of a new friendship form.

"You didn't come this far to only come this far." Zeke encouraged.

We were oh so close to victory. Everything hurt but we were so close. So much closer than when I first started and wanted to run back home.

Murphy jogged backwards ahead of us. "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it."

My lungs burned for rest. His words hit home.

He gestured to himself. "You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done." He found my eyes.

I felt a sense of pride in myself for making it thus far.

"If you're willing to go through all the battling you gotta go through to get to where you want to get, who's got the right to stop you?" He challenged us. "I mean, maybe you guys got something you never finished. Something you really want to do. Something you never said to somebody. Something," He looked at us all. "And you told them no even after you paid your dues. Who's got the right to tell you that? Who? Nobody!"

When did he get so wise? When did he learn how to say the right thing at the right time? Where was this Murphy when we landed?

"It's your right to listen to your gut and ain't nobody's right to say no after you earned the right to be what you want to be and do what you want to do."

He eyed me again. "Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!"

Tears of accomplishment filled my eyes.

"Did you just Rocky us?" Feona asked.

He grinned at us, then turned around to finish out the course.

I pushed forward even though my back felt like it was going to break, even though my legs felt like they were going to give out. I pushed forward with a warrior's yell and was surprised when a few others joined in until we reached the first tent of our home.

Citizens looked onward but none of us cared how we looked or smelled or felt when we came to a victorious stop.

I collapsed on the ground with a smile on my face. My chest rose and fell. I covered my eyes as elation swept over me. Some part of me wanted to do it all over again, but I knew my body couldn't handle it just yet.

"Not so hard, now was it?" Murphy teased.

My hands uncovered my eyes, I sat up. "Easy as pie." I held up a hand.

He clasped onto it to help me up.

I caught sight of Bellamy standing by Echo, they stared at me. I blew out a breath and it felt a little easier to walk by them.

Feona brought her arm around my shoulders. "You killed it out there,"

I offered an exhausted grin. "You too," I looked around as we kept walking. "Where are we going?"

Miller turned with a grin. "Post workout gorge." He rubbed his hands together in excitement.

Feona and I smiled at each other.

We all pulled a few tables together and sat. Thomas, the owner, had agreed to a discounted price for the bootcamp to come and eat after their courses.

The server from last night brought us a picture of alcohol to share.

Murphy stood with a raised glass.

My fingers tightened around mine.

"We know we're hard on you guys but it comes from a place of love, even if you are a bunch of lazy assholes," He playfully taunted.

Laughter passed around the group.

I found myself having smiled a lot since we finished.

"At one point or another we've all wanted to give up in this unforgiving world. That's why we started this bootcamp, to push ourselves and to push you all. To bring us all together with one common goal besides not dying; feeling good together." He grinned at us, then looked at me. "Let's give the rookie a hand,"

Everyone surprised me by clapping with hoops and hollers.

Pride filled me once again. It felt good to be apart of this, better than I ever expected.

Murphy raised his cup higher. "Down the hatch,"

We raised ours and downed them.

I gave Murphy an appreciative look as a thank you for getting me here.

He nodded as if it was nothing, then dived into conversation with Miller and Zeke.

Midway into eating our food the sound for a town hall meeting cut through the air. I assumed it was announce what we discussed yesterday in council but no. We gathered to the assembly hall that used to be my home. Only there metal gates in the form of a cage that started in the center of the room and fanned out so there were a few feet of space for us to surround it comfortably.

I found Bellamy. "What's going on?"

He stared at me, then looked away. "I'm not sure." His folded his arms across his chest. "You weren't there this morning, I'm glad you didn't actually run away from our talk." He peeped down at me.

My hands went to my hips. "I didn't realize you wanted to talk about it first thing in the morning,"

We stared at each other until Ilian joined us.

"Hey," He greeted.

I offered a friendly smile. "Hey,"

He placed a hand on my shoulder. "I am so sorry about last night,"

"No, it's okay. I had fun,"

He gave a cute grin. "Good," He took in Bellamy beside me. "Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Ilian." He held out a hand.

Bellamy took it. "Right. Bellamy."

Awkwardness filled the air.

Octavia entered the room with Diyoza beside her. Her forehead was covered in blood.

McGreary manhandled someone with a bag over their head.

"What the hell is going on?" Bellamy wondered.

Octavia stepped forward. "There's too much crime in this valley." Her face a mask of darkness. "The era of turn the other cheek is over," She stared out across the sea of people, she circled the room. "Same game, new rules. Anyone who feels like they were wronged can challenge said person, fight for your life." She gestured for McGreary to put the perpetrator in the arena. "You don't accept then you bring shame upon your loved ones, and the next time you get challenged you don't get a weapon."

Niylah stepped into the arena. Her face was a bit bruised, but it seemed like it didn't have anything on her pride.

I wanted to stop this but I didn't what was happening.

The bag was ripped off to reveal Ilian's father.

Ilian froze next to me.

My hand went to his.

Octavia got on one of the tables to tower above us. "One rule still stands; The audience votes on the Victor's life. The council gets final vote."

Diyoza took the lead. "The crime; That man was accused of raping this woman." She brought two swords to the arena. "New law states that you win the fight, you win your life."

Ilian's hand covered his mouth in disbelief.

The gate was locked from the outside. Not a moment later the sound of metal on metal filled the area and the all too familiar cheering of death and justice worked through the crowd.

Bellamy and I looked at each other in horrification as we silently asked each other how the hell we were going to stop this.

A/N: This story is more about Clarke's journey in this new world than it is about Bellarke. Don't get me wrong, Bellarke will definitely be a focus but the more I wrote of this the clearer it became that there's no easy way to properly convey the acclimating stage of them finding their own footing with themselves individually and as anything more than friends. And this isn't out of the blue, the show is doing the exact same thing. If they magically still fit together after six years of change I'd be worried about the writers. Meaning, it's coming but I wanted to explore their struggles more before they come together. Obviously, Ilian is still alive so I made it so him and Octavia never met. The quotes used were mostly from Rocky and ET the Hip Hop preacher.

P.S. My laptop just crapped out so I had to write the last five pages or so on a desktop in my apartment lobby. So if I don't update for a while it's because I'm without a laptop. I'd really appreciate it if yall left some feedback. :)


	2. I Should’ve Saved You

Just a short snippet chapter 

The song for this chapter is Brighton - Forest Fire (yes, I’ve used this song for another fic and no, I don’t care)

BELLAMY'S POV:

Straight off the bat, I shouldn't have kissed Clarke. It was an idiotic idea. To be fair, she'd been the one to kiss me first! I always thought that if it happened that I'd make the first move.

Being with Echo was obviously my decision. It wasn't one that I made lightly. When we were up on the sci-ring I held no hope that Clarke was alive, the world looked pretty hellish. When I found out she was alive I was forced to rethink things and I didn't like that. I wanted things to be clear cut and as awful as it sounded, Clarke being alive and well was not clear cut for me. Maybe that made me an ass but she complicated things period.

I did my best to go about life as I normally had in the sky, but happily ever after with Echo had a wrench thrown in the spoke of our relationship. That spoke being Clarke.

And she kissed me. Damn, did she kiss me.

My head screamed that our timing wasn't right. Not only because Echo and I were in on the verge of calling it quits, mutually, but because Clarke and I grew so much apart over the years that I couldn't see us jumping back into the swing of things or progressing things for that matter. Speaking of things progressing, I almost didn't have the strength to stop things before they took a turn for the hot and heavy last night. When she asked me to stay I almost said no but her words replayed in my head. 'You left me'. I should've saved her, that guilt stayed with me for six years. So I couldn't leave her the one time she's asked me to stay. Even if it put me in an even worse situation with Echo.

A few days prior, I had a very real conversation with her about not feeling on the same page because of Clarke. She didn't cry or slap me or curse. She agreed. Ever since then, we kept things pretty casual. Our date last night was more of a hang out. I tried not to make a big deal out of things when I saw Clarke with that guy who kind of looked like me. She looked so gorgeous, not that she didn't always look like that, but seeing her in a dress...I don't know, she looked vulnerable and I liked that look on her. She was usually so guarded and laser focused. I didn't know what the hell to think when she

Now we were in this new arena as we looked on at Ilian's dad against Niylah.

"New law states that you win the fight, you win your life." Diyoza announced.

I watched on in horror, then was distracted when Clarke held his hand.

The air filled with shouts of incentive for the cage match to go down.

His dad hollered in assurance that hadn't committed the horrible crime of raping Niylah.

Niylah's face gave nothing away besides a murderous need for revenge.

Ilian ran to the cage, his fists yanked on the chain link fence. "Stop this!"

Clarke tried to pull him away and reason with him because he didn't want to go against the council, especially Octavia's half.

I started for Octavia but Diyoza stepped in my way. "I'd move if I were you."

She gave a tough smirk. "Or what?"

With a roll of my eyes, I moved past her, and I knew I only got away with it because the image of the council fighting wouldn't be good for us.

"What are you doing?" I demanded of my sister.

"Let's discuss this in council after," She pushed through the crowd the grab Ilian harshly, the end of her sword aimed at his throat. "Direct interference in a battle drafts you into the battle." She looked at McGreary to open the cage.

Ilian's dad got distracted. "No!"

Niylah took that as an opportunity to slash her sword across his chest.

Clarke pulled ilian back and put herself between him and Octavia.

McGreary looked delighted to end them both with his dagger.

"You kill me and everybody sees," She tested them both.

I raised my gun at McGreary. "I can empty a load into you before you even pull the trigger." And that was a promise.

Clarke's sky blue eyes burned into me, the magnitude of her gaze only seemed to burn hotter after she confessed some of her feelings for me. Something I still couldn't wrap my head around, her having feelings for me. Which wasn't important right now.

"Lower your weapons," Octavia demanded. "Or I'll lower them for you."

I waited for Clarke's life to not be in immediate danger before my gun came back to my side.

The war cry of revenge rang in the room. No one watched us, they looked upon the bloody defeat of the perpetrator.

Ilian sank to the floor with tears streaming down his face at the fall of his father.

"You can't take him, he didn't do anything wrong." Clarke inisted.

"I can do whatever I want."

I stepped to Octavia. "This is not how we decide things, O. Not like this."

She stared back at me with the eyes of a stranger. "It is now."

"He's with me," Clarke's eyes stared desperately into my sister's. "He's with me. He's pardoned."

"We only pardon the survivor."

"I said he's pardoned, goddamit." She gathered up Ilian and rushed out.

I tried to help Niylah out of the cage but she shoved me off of her and I could completely understand not wanting to have the touch of a man on your skin after being raped.

She climbed out of the cage herself, covered in blood and satisfaction.

The day had really only begun and it already started to feel shitty.

Several minutes later we gathered in our designated tent, the tensions were high.

"We didn't survive the end of the world to start killing each other again." Clarke tried to reason with my sister and Diyoza. "There's got to be another way."

"You go tell that to Niylah, or the next victim of a horrendous crime, that we can't have justice for her trauma." Octavia threw back in her face. "What would you have done if it were Madi?"

My heart missed a beat. "Don't bring Madi into this,"

Clarke held her fists by her side. She struggled to keep her cool.

"But you and I know that if your daughter or my brother that was on the receiving end of a crime, we'd want revenge."

"Revenge isn't justice!"

"It is to me!"

They faced off.

Diyoza held a sly look in her eyes when she approached me. Her lips attacked mine before I knew what happened.

My eyes widened as she pulled away.

She smugly turned to Clarke who's jaw clenched tight. "I kissed your boyfriend, does that make you angry?" She got in her face. "Does it make you want to fight me?"

Clarke glared her in the eyes with ice. "Do it again and you'll find out."

She chuckled, pleased with herself. "He's hot, I can see why you're into him."

Octavia's hand went to her mouth to stifle her small laugh that she covered with a cough.

Okay, what?

Did Clarke actually threaten to get physical with her because she kissed me. And was everyone kissing me now? Today didn't bode well for me as far as my inevitable update with Echo went.

"Wanheda?" Diyoza teased. "Please, what a joke."

Clarke shoved her back a few feet. "You don't call me that!"

"Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?" I demanded of Diyoza. "And you?" I gave Octavia a disappointed stare.

Clarke rushed out of the tent.

I started after her.

Diyoza grabbed my arm. "The point was made, had to be."

I shook off her touch. "Don't ever touch me again,"

She condescendingly puckered her lips in a quick kiss.

My eyes rolled as I went after Clarke. She was predictably in her tent.

She sighed at my entrance. "Not right now, Bellamy." She turned her back on me.

I stepped forward. "Look, I didn't know that was going to happen." I cleared the air. "I had no idea what Octavia was planning."

A wry laugh came from her, her back still faced me. "You think is about Octavia?"

That sat in the air.

"Is it about what Diyoza said?"

Her hand ran through her hair and tugged it in stress. She finally turned to me. "I can't do this right now. I need to go check on Ilian," She headed for the exit.

My hand wrapped around her forearm and pulled her to me before she could get away. I made sure to stare as deeply into her eyes as I could. "Will you come find me later?"

She stared at me in a very non-clarke like way. She stared at me like she'd stared at Finn and Lexa. It was very scary to be on the receiving end.

"Yes," She simply said, but it was enough.

My hand let her go.

When she didn't immediately leave I hoped she'd say more of what was on her mind, but she soon walked away. I wasn't as strong as I thought. Now I was lost. So lost

A/N: so I'm dead af after the bellarke we got this episode 5xo4. Funny how I already the chapter song set before th episode and Clarke says "Now you're home."


	3. So Into You/Diamonds

The song for this pov is Ariana Grande - So Into You

 

CLARKE’S POV:

Refusing to acknowledge all of the bullshit that just happened, I went to check on Ilian in my mom’s care. The infirmary was on the Eligius ship, there were too many great uses for it to not utilize. At first it was odd to see the clash of technology and modern primitive ways but then I realized it was a mix of Arkadia and TonDC. There was a bit of nostalgia in there somewhere.

Inside my mom’s office, Ilian sat stock still in a chair. His gaze was zoned out, clearly in shock.

My mom stepped outside her office and closed the door with her thumbprint. “How are you holding up?” 

Either I was too fine or I was too affected. Neither were good options. So I went for neutral. 

My head shook.

“We can’t let this be who we become, not again.” 

I hugged her. “We’ll find a way. We always do.” 

“Let’s take a walk,” She hooked her arm through mine. “How are your nightmares reacting to your environment this week? Any new changes?”

My stomach clenched. “I woke up last night and when I went back to sleep I didn’t have another nightmare.” Because of Bellamy.

“What changed?” 

I wanted to tell her but I didn’t want to jinx it. We hadn’t even talked yet, something that I needed to be mentally prepared for and not blind sided by. Once I knew more I’d give her an update. 

“I tried something new,” A bit of a smile peaked out from my mask.

She noticed and grinned. “Care to elaborate,” 

“Not yet,” 

She sniffed me. “My God, sweetie. You need to bathe.” 

A slightly offended laugh left me. “I went on the bootcamp this morning,” Her surprise made me laugh more. “It was a challenge and a half, but I did it.” 

Her head leaned against mine. “You can do anything.” She reminded me. 

When we finished catching up I went inside her office to talk to Ilian while she went to check over Niylah in the lab.

He hadn’t moved a muscle.

Having been in his shoes, I knew that your mind was an escape as much as it was a prison. 

I sat beside him. “Do you want to talk?”

His head shook just enough to let me know he wasn’t up for it. 

My hand slid to his on his knee, I squeezed it. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you, I promise.” 

He turned to me with teary eyes. “It hurts.” 

I wrapped my arms around him in comfort. My head went to his shoulder. “I know.”

We stayed like that a while unti he said, “I need to be alone for a while.”

I got up.

“Clarke,”

My eyes went to him. 

“Thank you,” He looked a mix of grateful and distraught.

I nodded. “Anytime.” I closed the door behind me. 

Zeke rolled away from his work at the monitors to catch me before I left. “How’s your boy?”

He wasn’t my boy. Not like that. 

“He needs some time,” 

He gestured for me to follow him over to the monitors. “Check this out,” He proudly pointed at the screen. 

It looked like a satellite model and a bunch of science talk I didn’t understand. 

“What am I looking at?” 

“It’s not rocket science, Clarke.” 

I leaned on the desk. “Actually it is.”

He cracked a handsome grin, “I’m working on getting the satellite closest to us back online but it’s going to take a lot of manpower. Or womanpower,” He looked at me with a hopeful stare.

Now I got it. 

“You want me to talk Raven into helping you,” I tucked a stray hair behind my ear. “I don’t know, Zeke. She’s pretty adamant on enjoying her leave of absence. Besides we have so many other people that can help out. Have you tried talking to Monty?” He was all I could think of at the moment.

“Monty is good but he’s no Raven.” He held my gaze. “I need her, Clarke. We all do.”

An idea popped into my head. 

“Actually, we’ll be out later. You can ask her then.”

He looked pleased to have me on his side. 

“Thanks,” He held his hands together in a prayer. “And I hope to see you in a few days for another bootcamp?” He gave a strained comical smile. 

I grinned. “We’ll see how my body handles dying tomorrow.” 

He held his fist out.

I bumped mine against his. 

“See you tonight, bring your girl.” He called.

I held up a hand to signal my assurance. 

I didn’t want to face anyone until I showered because I started to smell myself. 

Madi waited in the tent for me. “Finally,” She got off the bed. “Before you say anything, Gaia canceled school for the rest of the day,” She took me in. “What are you wearing? Please tell me you changed into that for your date last night,” 

I gave her a look. “I didn’t and why did Gaia cancel school?”

Her brow lifted. “Why do you think? And how did the date go?”

I grabbed fresh clothes and my toiletries. Thank God bar soap became a thing again. 

“It went okay, but Ilian isn’t doing too hot right now what with everything going on,” 

She was unusually quiet. 

I looked at her. “I know you didn’t want me to go on that date but I had to. It was good for me.”

Her eyes rolled. “Bellamy would be better for you,”

With a huff, I placed my stuff aside and grabbed her so we we sat on the bed together. “I know that you want Bellamy and I to be together, but it’s just not in the cards right now.”

She refused to accept it. “You act like you’re not in love,” She untangled from me. “You both do and it’s really dumb. Why can’t you just be together already?” She stormed out. 

Great. 

The showers stations we had at Arkadia weren’t practical for this many people. So the current solution was using the only waterfall near the lake. It wasn’t as private but we had all gotten past that long ago. But there was a more secluded part of the lake that was sectioned off for private use. 

I stripped down to my underwear and jumped in. There hadn’t been anyone in sight when I approached. So when Murphy popped out of the water I had a mild heart attack. 

“Oh my God,” I splashed him. 

He chuckled as he blocked the brunt of it. “Glad you could join me,” 

My eyes playfully rolled as I began to tip toe away. 

“Can you do me a favor? There’s the spot of my back that I can’t reach.” 

I eyed him. 

He chuckled a bit. “Just a scratch. I don’t think Bellamy would be too upset,”

I scratched his back. Now that we were here. “Can I ask you something?”

“Absolutely not, shoot.”

Before I asked I backed away. “What did you think of me today?”

He turned around. “You were awesome. You kicked ass your first time.”

“I haven’t felt that way in a long time,” I looked down at the water. “I missed that feeling,”

“When was the last time you felt it?”

Being honest with myself...

“When I left Camp Jaha.”

He nodded in understanding. “Do you want to leave again?”

I lathered some soap on my arms. “Not at all,” My eyes went to the sky. “I think I need a break.”

“From what?”

I shrugged. “Everything,” 

He splashed me. “Come out with us later. We’re going to get a drink.”

My wet hair ran in my face. I pushed it back. “I’m going out with Raven.” She didn’t know it yet.

He repeatedly raised his eyebrows. 

I laughed. “I’m going for a girls night. What’s Feona’s deal?”

He stretched. “Uh, she craves adventure. It’s like her fourth time joining us. I think she’s a cool person.”

I was thinking of inviting her out. Harper might be busy with Monty so I didn’t want our girl group to just be Raven, Emori, and I.

“I’m starting to turn pruned.” He padded out of the water. “Catch you later.”

“See ya.”

I really go down to business with the privacy. Something needed to change. My hair had grown a little past my shoulders. I missed it being shorter. 

As I finished getting dressed I spotted some darker berries and collected a few. 

“Hey,” 

I looked up to see Echo approaching. I felt a slap coming on because she inevitably found out that I made a move on her boyfriend. 

“Echo,” I readied to apologize. “I shouldn’t have-“

“I’m not here to chew you out,” She placed her towel over her shoulder. 

Did he not tell her? Could she see the guilty look on my face?

“He told me about last night,” She went on. “We talk about everything,”

I wasn’t sure if I should be happy that he hasn’t lied to her because of me or if I should be disappointed that he told her which suggested it hadn’t meant as much to him as I thought. 

“So you’re not angry? I started it, don’t blame him.”

She didn’t even look agitated. 

“You’re alarmingly calm.” 

“As much as Bellamy wants to believe that you haven’t always been a factor in our relationship, he’s wrong.”

Hearing her say that made me feel sad for her. Knowing from the beginning of a relationship that if another person that was around that wasn’t you the relationship might not have existed in the first place. Not to sound conceited, but I don’t think any of us couldn’t admit that if I’d gone up there with them that things would’ve been different. 

“I’m not trying to take him away from you. The kiss was a mistake.” Hell no it hadn’t been but I did something that would make waves for them.

“It wasn’t and that’s okay.” She went for the lake.

My brow furrowed. “Why are you telling me all this? Aren’t I like your main competition?”

“It wouldn’t even be a competition if he had to choose between us,” Her voice held no bitterness or sadness. She stripped her clothes off. 

I turned away and felt a wet stickiness on my hand. The berries had been crushed. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. 

Feona found me haggling with a vendor for a wooden hair holder. She wasn’t what I pictured out of workout clothes. Her outfit consisted of slightly baggy jeans, a tight shirt that was cut off around the midriff and boots while her hair was pulled back in a mid-high ponytail. She looked women in the eyes as she leaned forward with her cocky eyes. “She’s good for it,” 

The women accepted my offer with one stipulation. “What are you doing later?” 

Feona leaned on her elbows on the table, an interested look on her face. “What’s that got to do with you?” 

I backed away while she hustled a hustler. The hair holder was dark in color with a few intricate designs. Really it wasn’t anything special, but there was a itching in me to switch something. So I put it into place with my hair back into an untidy bun with a few tendrils along my neck. 

Raven was sunbathing in cutoffs and a bra by the big rocks a few yards from the valley. 

Some people liked to come out here to get away from the overcrowded feeling but really it became a known get away mostly known for hooking up. We had our own Kissing Rock. How old school of us.

She moved her arm from shielding her eyes. “Hmm, doth my eyes deceive me? Are you wearing one of the outfits I left you?”

I was. There were an array of short clothes that I’d seen more women start to wear. Mostly because it was hot as hell outside, but it was also a bit more than that. Even my mom started to show a little skin. 

“Thanks,” I sat beside her. “What are you doing all the way out here?” 

Her arm went back over her eyes. “Octavia’s lost it. How’s Ilian?” Her voice held worry even though she didn’t display it. 

I laid my head against her stomach. “He wanted to be alone. Can’t say I blame him.” 

“With things changing like this, I could use a drink. Why is everyone concerned about work? Why not just enjoy each day? My days of fixing the world are over.” 

My head turned to look at her. “You’re coming out with me tonight, it’s a girls thing.” 

She held her hand up for a high five. “Who are you and what have you done with Clarke Griffin?” 

I chuckled. “I’m not sure. The bootcamp challenged me this morning. Now I’m sort of determined to try new things. Having fun is one of them.”

She sat up so fast that my head hit the ground. “You went on the bootcamp?”

“Yup, she crushed it too,”

We looked at Feona as she approached us. 

She took in Raven, then held a hand out. “Feona,” She sat a bit above us on one of the lower rocks.

Raven shook her hand.

So I didn’t have to introduce her. 

“I thought you’d be awhile.” I sat up. “You had that lady eating out of your hand.” 

She brushed it off. “She wasn’t exactly my type.” Her eyes still on Raven.

Raven couldn’t help but blush. 

“So what’s this I heard about a girls night?”

I perked up. “You’re definitely invited if you don’t flirt with my friends.” I cautioned.

She grinned. “No promises. Hey, can I bring my friend Malia? She’s having boy issues and could use the distraction.”

Raven and I glanced at each other. 

“The more the merrier,” I tossed out.

“Speaking of merry,” Raven spotted Zeke carrying a sandbag on each shoulder while he headed in our general direction.

“Hey,” She greeted with a grin.

“Hey,” He grinned back when he passed us. 

Was that the real reason she came out here because this wasn’t usually her spot? Or maybe she really wanted some Sun and privacy. 

“Hi, Zeke.” Feona made a point to grab his attention. 

He threw a wave at her, then gave Raven a parting smile. 

Feona and I shared a look, then couldn’t repress our laughter once he was out of earshot. 

Raven turned around from watching him leave, an embarrassed gleam in her eyes. “What?” 

Feona stared into the distance dramatically. “Hey,” 

I snorted a laugh. 

“That’s not how I sounded,” Raven defended.

“That’s exactly how you sounded,” I teased. 

Feona gestured to Raven. “What’s your deal?” 

She looked like she’d been put on the spot. “I’m just chilling.” 

Feona looked at me for a translation.

My shoulders shrugged. “Why haven’t you made a move on Zeke? He’s clearly interested.” 

She mulled it over. “Not sure really. Every time I try to talk to him I get nervous and Murphy’s usually around and I wouldn’t hear the end of making an ass out of myself.” 

Feona looked intrigued. “Wait, Murphy? As in bootcamp Murphy?” She checked with me for clarification.

I nodded. 

“So you’re interested into two dudes that are friends. That’s...unavoidably bad.” 

Raven’s brows shot to her scalp. “What? No. I’m not interested in Murphy.”

“That’s not what you just said.”

She looked lost.

Feona leaned forward to further explain. “Alright, you said you were worried about flirting with one guy in front of another guy. I’m not exactly hetero but even I know that’s code for I don’t want to flirt with my present guy in front of my maybe guy.”

Raven’s eyes went to mine for help. “Murphy is not my maybe guy.” 

I stayed silent.

Feona held her hands up in surrender. “You know what, maybe I got it wrong. Pay me no attention. What are the plans for tonight?” 

Raven sank back to the ground on her towel. “Drinking.” Both of her arms crossed over her face. “Lots of drinking.” 

I wondered how’d she react when I told her Zeke wanted to work with her. She seemed dead set on not going back but she also had a crush on him. What would she chose? 

Fuck it, I was just going to bring it up now. If she said no then we’d go on with the rest of our day.

“Hey,” I nudged her leg. “Zeke wanted me to ask you something.”

She peeped up at me. “Oh God, what is it?”

My lips pursed. “Well, he wanted to know if you’d help him with something work related that he was positive no one else would be cut out for.” I grinned. “And he’s going to be out tonight with the guys.” 

She turned onto her stomach with a frustrated groan, but I think she was more confused than frustrated. “Boys have the worst timing.” 

“Heavily why I’m into girls. It’s nice and uncomplicated over here.” Feona flirted. 

Raven gave her a look to back and then we all laughed. 

Later in the evening I finished up one of my drawings when Madi came home. She had a soft look in her eyes. “Can we talk?”

I put down my sketch pad and patted the bed. 

She sat with heavy shoulders. “I’m sorry,” She wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. People got hurt. I just want you to be happy.”

My hand grabbed hers. “I am happy,”

Her head shook. “No, you’re not. You’re pretending to be while you watch your friends and family live their lives. I’m not saying that you need Bellamy to be happy but he was all you talked about for six years.” She looked up. “He was who you radioed for six years. Why can’t you fight for him?”

All of that was true, but I didn't have an answer that she wanted. 

She rose, her hand still in mine. “I’m going to Ethan’s for the night. We have some homework to do.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to spend the night. We can stay up tonight. Tell stories. Like we used to do.” I felt a drift between us as of late and it felt a hundred percent mhm fault. 

“Another time. Raven told me you were going out tonight. I’m hoping you make use of the alone time in here.” 

My mouth dropped. “You’re not coming home tonight because you want me to have sex?”

Her head nodded. “With Bellamy. Or with anyone. You’ve been a little clingy. This is me loosening the reins,”

“And here I thought I hadn’t been spending enough time with you.” My eyes rolled but I wasn’t mad. Everyone was so concerned about Bellamy and I, we’d happen if we were meant to happen.

By the time I was getting ready for tonight, someone cleared their throat dramatically outside my tent. “Knock, knock.” 

“You can come in Fe,” 

She poked her head in and stilled. “Girl, you don’t have any clothes on.” She turned around.

I looked down at myself and blushed. “Forgot.” I grabbed a pair of black leather pants and threw on a navy blue leather shirt that fit like a halter top. “I’m decent.”

Her eyes widened. “An understatement. You look hot.” She poked at me. “Now let’s go because about to get out of her dance class. Are the others going to meet us there?” 

“They said they would,” The closer we got to the outside bar the more ridiculous I felt, the more I wanted to run back home and put on more conservative clothes. Our society had never underwent the pressures of fashion or dressing for style. We just wore what we had and called it a day. I felt good but it sort of also felt like I was trying to impress someone.

She nudged me. “There’s Malia,” She stared at me. “And would you stop freaking out, you look amazing.”

Truthfully, I was extremely aware of the high possibility that Bellamy would be with the guys tonight. No one had confirmed but I had a feeling. 

Malia waved goodbye to her friends, then danced our way. Her hair was a blondeish brown I had never seen. She was tall and athletic. Even before she spoke a word you could tell she had a carefreeness about her that I envied. She wore a flowy skirt and shirt with dangly earrings and sandals. 

“Salutations,” She kissed Feona on the lips, then moved to give me a hug.

“I’m not really a-”

She hugged me anyway. “Had I know we were supposed to dress up I would’ve worn something a little more fitting,” 

I patted her back. “You look amazing.” 

She pulled away, placed her hands on either side of my face, and gave me a quick peck. 

My eyes went to Feona.

She laughed. “She does that with everybody. Don’t take it personally.” 

Malia looked puzzled. “Oh, sometimes I forget that I’m a bit over zealous.”

It was a nice kiss, just one I wasn’t expecting. 

“Clarke,” I offered a hand.

She took my hand and grinned as she looked at Feona. “You were right, she is pretty formal.” She looked back at me with a promise. “We’ll fix that.” She was pretty funny. In our few minute walk she made me laugh several times. The night needed someone like her. 

Harper was the first to see us. She jumped up from the tables they pulled together. “Finally,” 

I hugged her. Okay, maybe I was a hugger, but only with people I really knew and trusted.

“Look at you,” She complimented with her arms around me, we swayed from side to side. 

Raven whistled at me. “Yeah, Clarke.” 

“I just threw it on,” My face flamed. 

Emori laughed. “Leave her alone.” She rubbed my shoulder. 

The girls mingled and it was pretty hilarious to see their faces when Malia kissed them all in greeting. 

“Drinks,” I started toward the bar. 

Raven tagged along. “Not to take credit for this new you but you’re welcome.” 

I grinned at her. “Even Madi told me I was too uptight. So this is me downtight.”

Her face scrunched. “That’s not a word.”

“You know what I mean,” I waved it off. “I’m going to let loose tonight,” Mostly because I had a hunch that I’d be in bed all day tomorrow recovering from the hell I put my body through this morning. 

My hands hit the bar counter. “Hi, six shots of your favorite liquor.” I said kindly.

He lifted his brow at me. “Never seen you here before, Ms. Griffin.” 

“There’s a first time for everything,” I leaned my back to the bar with a grin on my face. “Why haven’t we done this before?” I asked Raven.

“Probably because we were too busy saving the world.” She handed me a shot and grabbed one for herself.

We clinked them together, then threw them back. 

When I recovered from the hot burn in my throat and chest I caught sight of the guys across the room. I hadn’t even noticed them until now. One person in particular stared at me and I felt my legs turn to lead. My stomach knotted up. Even from afar he looked good. Really good. 

Raven followed my gaze. “Uh uh, it’s girls night. So let’s go talk to the girls.” 

We carried the shots over. 

I tried to not to look at him again but I subcumbed to the rush of adrenaline when we locked eyes. 

The girls did a good job of keeping me distracted. Stories went around about our most intimate and embarrassing moments in relationships. Emori snorted when Feona divulged that a girl queefed in her face when she’d been going down on her. The rest of us couldn’t contain our laughter. 

The bartender brought us a round of drinks. 

We looked at each other. 

“We didn’t order these,” Malia said. 

“They’re paid for,” He assured. 

She reached for the tray. “We’ll take them.” 

Feona winked at Raven. “Your boyfriends sent them.” 

Raven choked on her drink. 

I couldn’t help but laugh while I patted her back. 

Emori held her glass up. “Thanks boys,” 

They held theirs up in acknowledgement. Murphy was the only one that didn’t look too happy. 

My eyes went to Bellamy. 

He laughed at something Miller and Jackson were saying. He must’ve felt my stare because his eyesslid to mine. His laughter faded, but he didn’t look upset with me even though I told him we’d talk later. 

For some reason, I couldn’t look away. My mind was replaying our kiss last night in my bed. There was a version where things had went further. I wanted that version. 

Our stare off was interrupted by the sound of music being played. Actual music over speakers that I couldn’t find. 

“How is this possible?” Harper asked.

“I think I know how.” Raven twisted around to find Zeke. 

He grinned at her. 

She turned back to us with an impressed smile on her face. 

There had been music on the Ark but it was only music that was produced on from space. We only had access to a few movies and sports games. I thought about the weekly sports game that my family would watch with the Jaha’s. Things had changed so much. 

Malia jumped up to dance to the unfamiliar music. “Come on,” She motioned for us to join her. 

I sipped the drink and it was actually not that bad. My dance with Ilian was fun so I could only a girl group shaking their bums would be nothing short of hilarious.

Emori and Harper got up right away.

Feona rose. “Why not.” 

Raven looked at me with a downtraught face. “I can’t.” Her eyes flicked down to her leg. 

My face fell. “Then I won’t either.” I offered a supportive grin.

“No,” She shook her head. “You should go have fun. I’ll be here when you get back.” 

My face split into a smile as I glanced behind her. “Or not,” 

Zeke approached. “You mind if I cut in?” 

Raven looked a little shocked that he came over. 

I stood up. “Not at all.” The music was nice anyway. I made my way to the group, my body already moved to the beat. The alcohol had to have helped with my rhythm. 

Feona made her way to me, her hands went to my hips. She had lustful eyes but there was silent understanding between us that we wouldn’t go there. 

My hands went to the air, I threw my head back in celebration.

Harper grabbed one of my hands.

We smiled at each other.

Malia spun me around into her. Her eyes too were filled with lust but we didn’t have a silent understanding. She was very attractive. 

“You’re not bad,” She said into my ear with her body pressed into mine. 

I was tipsy enough to not hate the attention. “I try,” 

Feona nonchalantly grabbed her as the guys joined us. 

I sent her a nod of appreciation. 

She sent me a nod back then helped preoccupied her friend, who kissed the boys a hello.

The song came to a peak and I jumped up and down freely. When I twisted I was about to fall.

Bellamy’s hands went to my waist as he caught me. 

Our eyes met. 

“Thanks,” 

A grin came to his face. “You look like you’re having fun,” 

My brow arched. “Am I not allowed to have fun?” My tone joking. 

“No, it’s cute is all.” 

I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. However, my face knew that it was supposed to burn bright red. I swayed a bit.

He chuckled. “Do you need some water?” 

“Probably a good idea.” 

He went to get me some. 

I sat down at their table next to Murphy. “Why do you look like someone stole your cookie?” 

He watched Raven and Zeke with a sour face.

“I knew you liked her,” I leaned in close to say. 

He nudged me away. “I don’t,” 

“Okay,” I said sarcastically. 

As soon as Bellamy returned with water Murphy stood. “I’ll see you guys later,” He left after he glanced at Raven laughing.

I took a few sips of the water. 

Bellamy watched me. 

“What?” 

He leaned back in his chair. “I guess, seeing you like this takes me back to our first Unity Day on the ground.” 

“If I remember correctly, you were flirting with me.” I grinned.

He grinned back. “You flirted back.” 

I nodded. “If you could go back would you change anything?”

He mulled over the question. “A few things. You?” 

With the heat on me, I felt the pressure to say the apparent answer. “Maybe I would’ve said something more than ‘Hurry’ as my last words to you.” 

He laughed. “Yeah, I don’t know. Things work out how they’re supposed to when they’re supposed to.” 

I drunk some water, then took a deep breath for luck. “About last night,” 

His eyes turned thoughtful. 

“I shouldn’t have kissed you, but I did.” I hadn’t really thought of what I was going to say beforehand so I was winging this. “And I know that you’re with Echo, I don’t want to get in the way of that, even if you are figuring things out. We-”

“How do you know that I’m figuring things out?” 

My mind went to the lake. “Echo and I ran into each other earlier, she mentioned that she knew.” 

A sigh left him. “What else did she say?” 

I wasn’t going to repeat it. It had been between the two of us, even as weird as it had been.

“Bellamy, I’m trying to tell you that I’m trying not to be into you and that only works if you let me say it.” 

He stared at me with unreadable eyes.

I leaned forward on the table. “I’m sorry if I made things more confusing but I think you should figure things out with your girlfriend.” 

He leaned forward. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I leaned closer. 

He leaned closer, his face was very close. “I said I don’t have a girlfriend anymore.” 

I wanted to smile but I was too busy freaking out. “What? Why?” I pretended like I didn’t know while I grabbed a drink that wasn’t water.

He had a tiny grin. “I’m sure you can figure it out and that’s not water by the way.” 

“I know,” I finished it.

Were we going to fuck tonight?

I couldn’t even wrap my mind around this development. It hadn’t been in my plan. I thought he’d stay with her a while longer, we’d dance around each other until one of us cracked, and the rest was history. The one thing I hadn’t accounted for was him ending things with Echo this early. 

“You’re not having the reaction I thought you would,” He admitted.

I looked down at the table. “I’m going through this phase of my life where everyone around me has something their proud of doing. As much as I want to start something with you I haven’t found my sweet spot on my own.” My eyes met his fearfully. “Now I feel terrible that I made you break up with Echo.”

He moved his chair closer to mine, he grabbed ahold of my hand. “Hey, you didn’t make me break up with Echo. We decided it on our own. And don’t feel like you owe me anything.” 

“Why aren’t you angry with me?” 

“Because I watched how happy you looked these past two days. If you need time I’ll give that to you. I know how hard it is to feel lost when everyone else seems like they have it all together. But you owe me a drink when you’re settled.” 

“I owe you a drink,” I agreed with a small smile. “Thank you,” 

“For being a decent guy?” 

My hand went to his face, my thumb rubbed over his cheek. “For understanding.”

Oddly anticlimactic, I welcomed the new understanding between us. There was a mountain of things we had to relearn about each other, things we never learned. On the surface we’d always trust and protect each other, but things had been lost in miscommunication. I wanted to say without any doubt in my mind that if things got bad again that we’d be on the same page but at the end of the day I’d do whatever I had to in order to protect Madi, that wasn’t his priorty and it shouldn’t have to be.

As okay as he tried to convey he was, I could tell it was hitting him hard underneath the surface. 

I stood up. “How about a dance?” 

The music changed to something a little slower but I wanted to end the night on a good note. I didn’t want things to be weird with us but that was unavoidable. 

The dance floor cleared out besides us and Miller and Jackson slow dancing. 

My hands went around Bellamy’s shoulders, his went to my waist, and we moved to the music. 

‘I had all and then most of you. Some and now none of you. Take me back to the night we met. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Haunted by the ghost of you

Oh, take me back to the night we met’ The man sung somberly. Really, it was fitting for us in that moment. 

My head went to his chest.

Our dance turned more into a swaying hug. 

 

The song for this pov is The Boxer Rebellion - Diamonds: 

 

‘Pretty little thing did you feel something. Did you always want me to be something. To mend a broken a heart. From a Devil of shallow nonsense. Turned your world upside down. Whatever said that it'd mean something. Whatever said that it'd mean nothing. And did I look the part. When it's all said and done. When it's all said and done. I'm no good next to Diamonds. When I'm too close to start to fade. Are you angry with me now. Are you angry cause I'm to blame...Never wanna hide the truth from you. Just hang my head what I put you through. I wasn't good enough. When what's done is done love. When it's all said and done’ 

 

MURPHY’S POV:

I watched as Zeke had drinks sent over to the girls. All he really wanted to do was impress Raven, which wasn’t easy to do. Trust me, I knew. I spent six years trying to right the wrongs I committed against her. She forgave me before we even up to space but there was a deep part of me that didn’t think she should’ve. Yet she had. 

When going home was an option it became clear that to me that I’d lay my life down for her. She’d become one of my best friends. She taught me so much about myself and she was living proof that people could change and forgive and move on with their lives. She was the strongest women I knew. 

Now she was enjoying Zeke’s company. She was a free agent, she could do what she wanted with whom she wanted. I just didn’t want to watch it. 

So I left and now I was walking aimlessly around. 

“Hey,” 

I looked back to find Emori walking my way. “Hey,” I gestured in the direction of the others. “Sorry we wrecked your girl’s night.” 

She brushed it off. “We had fun either way.” 

“So why are you here with me instead of back there with them?” 

She stopped me in place. “I know we haven’t talked much since the seperation, but I still want you to be happy, John.” 

I gave a curt nod. “Thanks, that’s nice to hear.” I walked away. “You too, by the way.”

There wasn’t any bad blood between us anymore, but I didn’t want to dredge up old resentments. 

She sighed. “With that stubborn attitude you’re never going to truly allow yourself to be happy.” 

I turned back to her. “Why do you care?”

She walked to me. “Because you have feelings for one of my best friends and I have to be okay with that because I want to be a good person. So I’m trying to tell you that don’t worry about me or Zeke or anyone else that comes along. No one has the same relationship with Raven as you do, that can’t be replaced.”

I gave a sour laugh. “Why is everyone trying to fix me and Raven. We aren’t broken. We work just fine as friends.”

“That’s true but I see how you look at her sometimes, how you looked at her when Zeke approached her. Why are you ignoring this?” 

My annoyance flared and I told her the same thing I told Zeke when he asked if I was okay with him pursuing her, “Raven and I work never work together. Not after what I put her through.” My jaw clenched. “So just stop asking,” I held my hand up to put space between us. “Everyone just stop asking,” I turned on my heels before she could see me get emotional over this. 

I ran away from all the bullshit. Well, it wasn’t bullshit. It sucked was all. To see someone as something more and to know that you don’t deserve them. I couldn’t ever take back what I did to her in the dropshit. She’d been through so much pain because of me. How was it fair that she forgave me and allowed herself to be emotionally invested in me? I ruined things with Emori. I would ruin things with her. So, yeah. I told Zeke to go for it. She deserved someone like him. 

There wasn’t another bootcamp for two days so I took the time to run it. We started this whole thing to get our minds off the reality of things, it brought people together, but for me it was really about motivating others to accomplish what they think is impossible. Nothing was quite impossible, you just had to work for it. This bootcamp was all that I had, but it wasn’t all that I was proud off. 

By the time I finished I was beat and totally unprepared to see Raven sitting on a blanket with a basket. 

“What are you doing here?” I propped my hands on my hips while I caught my breath. “You could’ve gotten eaten by a dingo or something.” 

She grinned as I sat beside her. “It’s like you don’t even know Geography.” She handed me a canteen that contained water.

“It’s not like it mattered before we got down here.” I tipped it back and greedily drank, then handed it back to her.

Her fingers brushed mine.

I pulled back and tried to relax my abnormally beating heart, which was the norm when I was around her. 

“There’s an algae protein bar in there,” She looked up at the night sky. “What’s going on with you?” Her eyes turned to mine.

“What do you mean?” I bit into the bar. It was as gross as it sounded but I was a bit famished after the course. I held it up for her to take a bit.

She leaned in close to, then spoke around it. “One minute you were enjoying yourself and the next you’re out here this time of night.” She spit it out a few feet away. “That was gross as hell,” She chugged some water.

That was one of the things I loved about her, she wasn’t afraid to be herself around me. But I was also aware that was because she only saw me as Murphy. 

She turned her body to mine and leaned forward on her propped up knees. “I’m waiting,” Her almond shaped brown eyes stared at me. 

Telling her the truth was out of the question, but she could always tell when I was lying.

“I don’t know,” My eyes went to the stars. “Do you ever look up them and miss what we had up there?” My eyes cut to hers. “The whole group dynamic, I mean.” My throat felt groggy. 

Her head nodded. “Sometimes but there was a time when things weren’t as a good as they are now.”

My eyebrow arched. “When?”

“When you left the group,” Her eyes saddened a bit at the memory. “It was really lonely.” 

This was the first I was hearing about. 

“Why? You had everyone else there.” 

“Yeah, but Harper had Monty. Echo had Bellamy. And I didn’t have...” Her eyes paused on mine. “The only person that would trade witty one-liners with me. Sorry, but Emori isn’t great at them.” 

I tried not to grin but it came through. “It’s okay, you can say you missed me, Raven. You should’ve visited. It could’ve been us against the world.” I was only half joking. 

She smiled as she loosened her ponytail until her hair fell down and framed her face. A little wind rustled her hair, which smelled like the berry shampoo I’d gotten her the other day. 

To have something to say so I wasn’t just staring at her like some creep, I said, “If it makes you feel better, I missed you too.” 

Her head shook. “No, that doesn’t make me feel better.” She used her dry, sarcastic voice she picked up the longer we hung out. 

My eyes rolled. “Alright, in that case, I didn’t miss you.” 

She flicked my arm. “Don’t be mean,” She grinned. She leaned her head on her arm. “I’m so nice to you.” 

I refrained from telling her she shouldn’t be. 

“How long have you been waiting out here?” I drunk some more water. 

“Long enough to consider you dead. I was going to call it in five minutes had you not shown up.” 

I made a noise in the back of my throat. “Funny. What were going to say at my funeral?” 

She sat up. “Huh?”

“At my funeral, if I were dead, what would you have said?” 

Her head shook. “Not answering that,”

My hand patted her leg. “Come on, you were the one that brought it up. What would you have said? I’m curious.” 

“Alright, it was my fault for bringing it up,” She looked away. “We’re not joking about your death.” She tucked some of her golden brown hair behind her ear. “Just forget it.” 

I knew I was about to put my foot into my mouth, but that’s why I was me.

“I’m genuinely confused right now, why are you freaking out?” My eyes surveyed her. 

She wouldn’t look at me.

My hand went to her elbow. “Hey,” I tried to catch her eyes. “Talk to me.” 

Her eyes looked everywhere before they landed on mine. “I’m not good at losing people that I care about.”

“No one is,” I pointed out.

She gave me a look, then explained, “For the longest time Finn was my only family, then he left me and died. Wick came along and made me believe he cared until he ghosted me, then we find out he was killed in the City of Light.” Her eyes scanned my face. “I can’t really afford to lose anyone else that I care about, least of all you.” She was so tough and I knew that meant she wasn’t great at sharing her feelings or opening up to people like me. Somehow we both managed to be there for each other in that department.

“Cockroaches don’t die,” I joked to get rid some of the emotions that swirled inside me, but that didn’t stop her eyes from tearing up. “I’m not going anywhere. It’s not like there’s another valley that I can go to because if there was,” I grinned. “I’d send you a postcard.” 

She kicked my foot. “You’re not funny,” She laughed anyway. 

“I do okay,” I reached into the basket and grabbed the only thing left. “Another blanket? No, I will not have sex with you.” 

Her eyes rolled, but she wasn’t on the brink of crying anymore. “Please, if I came crawling you’d answer,” She pushed the basket out of the way. I was pretty sure she’d been kidding.

We laid down with our bodies in the opposite direction, our heads were next to each other’s. There was an awareness of her lack of distance that made my mouth feel funny. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

She nodded. 

“I know this is going to sound insensitive but if you could go back and change things would you change not getting shot?” I feared I already knew her answer, but I thought it would help me move on hearing it. 

“No,” She answered almost immediately.

Not at all what I expected to hear. 

I looked at her in question. “Say again?” 

She turned her head to look at me. “I said no,” Her breath tickled my face in a way that made me want to lean forward and kiss her just once. 

“Why not?” 

“Despite what others might think, I’m not ashamed of being disabled. Well, there was one time today where it was the only time I felt I missed out on something.” 

Shame tugged at my chest. “When?” 

She tried to play it off like it didn’t matter. She blew out a breath. “When everyone was dancing. I was never much of one before but I didn’t want to get up and make a fool out of myself.”

I inched closer. “You wouldn’t have made a fool out of yourself, you’re Raven.” I sat up. “Come on, get up.” I jumped up.

Her forehead creased. “Why?” 

“We’re going to dance, get up.” 

Her face filled with embarrassment. “Murphy, I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. When I want to quit on the course I think about how you never quit even with your leg in that brace.” I gestured for her to stand. “Now let’s go.” I heldd a hand out.

She took it with a restrained smile. “You never told me that.” She stood in front of me. 

“Well, I never tell you a lot of things,” I said nonchalantly. One of my hands went to her hip while the other grabbed hers. I nudged my feet under hers. “Step on,”

She put her feet ontop of mine reluctantly, but there was an excitment in her eyes. “There’s not even any music,” She pointed out.

I moved us casually around in a circle. “Yet here we are.” 

She looked down at our feet. “Are you sure I’m not hurting you?” 

Pain was temporary, I reminded myself.

“Are you sure you’re not dancing?” 

She realized that we were and she freaked out. “Oh my God, we are.” Her laugh lit up her face. Her hair swayed along with us. “I’m dancing,”

“See, I told you that you could do anything.” I said proudly.

Her eyes met mine and softened. “Thank you, John.”

I slowed down a bit at her saying my first name. No one called me John besides Emori and it had only been when she started to trust me and have feelings for me. 

Raven hugged herself to me. 

I held her as we continued to sway. I wanted to tell her thank you, but I felt bad for saying it because it came from a place that was terribly grateful that I shot her accidentally, because Emori had been right that no one else had the relationship that we had. And I was just a piece of shit for loving that she cared about me despite her suffering that I caused. 

No one would’ve been surprised by this. I was no good next to diamonds. Raven was the brightest diamond I’d ever seen. It was only a matter of time before I broke her into shards. 

 

BELLAMY’S POV:

I woke with an arm around me. My head hurt something fierce. I didn’t remember going home. Or much for that matter. Maybe I should move out so Echo and I didn’t have to share the same bed, that wouldn’t send the right message to Clarke or Echo.

When I turned around to disentangle from her I jumped back.

She was definitely not Echo.

Malia, I think, was in my bed. Or rather, I was in her bed.

I checked under the sheets to confirm my suspicions that I didn’t have on any underwear.

Oh no. Clarke was going to kill me. 

 

A/N: Alright, I wasn’t sure about this chapter so I would appreciate it if yall let me know what you think. :D Also, I’m so torn between Murven and Zaven. I love them both for different reasons. I think Zaven will be fun and cute and sexy and good for Raven during this time but I ultimately believe Murven will be endgame next season or the season after that if we get another one.


	4. Heart's Not Supposed To Break Like That

The songs for this pov is Jessie Ware - Hearts

CLARKE'S POV:

After the song ended, Bellamy and I disentangled with uncertainty. That was the thing about falling for your friends, when things didn't quite match up and the cards were on the table then it was stiff as hell. Feelings didn't necessarily hit pause when you needed or wanted them to. So you had to go about your time around them as if you both didn't know you were into each other, it was the weirdest thing.

The others had gathered around our table to listen to talk amongst themselves. I was feeling emotionally fatigued for the day so I said my goodbyes.

I wasn't surprised when Malia got up to hug me again, that's just who she was. I liked that about her.

She turned her gaze to Bellamy and grinned. "Don't believe we've met, handsome," She went in for her trademark hello kiss.

Something in me shoved her back.

She stumbled to correct herself. Her eyes were wildly confused. "What's your problem?"

Everyone gaped at us.

My hands went to my chest. "God. I'm so sorry, Malia." I gave a sheepish grin. "I'm a little tipsy." I braved a glance at Bellamy who looked a little stunned himself. "I'm going to go sleep it off." I was ashamed of myself as I walked away. Fighting over a guy was trivial to me. Raven and I saw eye to eye on that when it came to Finn. I couldn't be bothered with Bellamy and Echo. Now all of a sudden there was this seed of jealousy inside of me when it came to him. Maybe it was because in the back of my head I knew Echo wasn't encroaching on my territory, not really. With Diyoza and Malia, I don't know, I just got territorial and made an ass out of myself.

Back at my tent, I readied to go to bed but it wasn't that easy. I gave up and turned to my sketchpad again. Drawing had always taken my mind off of things. It'd been my escape up on the Ark when I was in solitary when I didn't know what to with the hundred at first, when I was in TonDC with Lexa, and when I was down here with Madi. We didn't have much Art around the valley. I would love to change that one day.

The pencil took over my mind and soon the page was covered in trees with a human heart and brain at war with each other. It was a bit on the nose. No one would ever see it. Maybe Madi. Or maybe not since she was obsessed with the notion that Bellamy and I would end up together forever and always. Forever and always was unrealistic.

The opening of the tent ruffled. "Princess," Bellamy stumbled in. "I'm here,"

I got up to make sure he didn't fall.

He reeked of alcohol and his eyes were far gone.

"You're drunk." I sat him on the bed. "I'll get you some water." I went for my canteen.

His hand wrapped around my wrist. "You don't have to pretend anymore." His words slurred.

I looked back at him in question. "Bellamy, what are you talking about?"

He slid his hand down to join mine. His eyes were glassy and determined for me to hear whatever he was about to say. "We can finally do this," He motioned between us with his other hand. He might've been intoxicated but he stared at me in a way that made me think he was present in that moment with me. "There's no peace treaty to be made, no end of the world to prevent, or another person in either of our lives that are standing in our way. We can finally do this." He sounded skeptical as he said it, but there was a shred of hope that hurt my heart.

I was about to interject when he started talking again.

"I waited so long for you to be ready, Clarke. I don't know if I can wait anymore."

"You're drunk," I pulled my hand away. "We can talk about this tomorrow." I grabbed the water.

He stood. "No, I'm tired of putting things off until tomorrow,"

I pushed the water into his chest. "Drink."

He chucked it in the corner. "You love me don't you?" His eyes stared desperately into mine.

"Bell," My hand went to his chest. "It's not that-"

"It's not that complicated," His hands went to my shoulders. "Do you love me? Are you in love with me, Clarke?" His eyes searched mine. "Because if you are we can forget about the rest of the world and make this work."

As drunk as he was he sure had a lot of coherent ideas, but I knew that he wasn't likely to remember any of this tomorrow, so I said what was on my mind.

"Yes, I'm in love with you. Does that change anything? I wish it did," I pulled my hand away from his chest. "Because I've been in love with you ever since you launched that rocket. I just need time."

He pulled my hand back and put it directly over his heart. "You own this part of me, it's scary how much you do."

This wasn't fair. I never got drunk off my ass and showed up in his doorway to tell him how in love with him I'd been when he wasn't ready. Why did I have to go through it?

My eyes pricked. I ripped my hand away. "Get out,"

"You're kicking me out?"

I shoved the canteen to his chest until he caught it. "You're drunk. You need to go lay down. I'll see you tomorrow," I moved him toward the exit. "Just go sleep it off."

"Clarke,"

"I said leave!"

He stilled and stared at me.

My throat felt thick with tears. "Please,"

With a heartbroken gleam in his eyes, he stalked out without a look back.

I was tempted to go after him but it wouldn't have been a good idea. Ironic how all I wanted for a while was for him to stay, to be here, and now I had to put up another wall. Crying wasn't on my itinerary for the night, so I flipped to a new page and poured my soul out onto it.

After I woke the next morning I was summoned for a council meeting. Just what I needed first thing in the morning. As much as I cared about our people I was so done with fighting for a system that didn't work for everyone. Ilian had been on the side of the law that didn't fight for justice. Not to be a rape enabler but there was no trial or jury, no proof. An innocent man could've been killed all because we jumped the gun. And if I was wrong then the rest of us deserved to hear Niylah's story before we decided anything. We couldn't backpedal into blood must have blood. We couldn't backpedal into savagery. 

My council pin sat heavy on my shirt.

Bellamy sat in his seat with his hands pressed to his temples. He was slumpier than usual, or ever.

"You look like you got hit with a rover." I sat in my usual seat.

He shook his head and groaned. "You don't have to yell."

I chuckled. "I didn't,"

He looked up at me with regret in his eyes. "Can we talk after this? I need to apologize for last night."

My brow lifted. "You remember last night? You were pretty gone." An amused grin took over my lips. It was easier to poke fun at it to really deal with what it was.

"Not entirely,"

"It happens, nothing to apologize for." I dismissed his worry.

The worry stayed in his posture. He tried to say something but couldn't find the words and was saved when Octavia entered.

"Where's your partner in crime?" I asked.

She sat. "No Diyoza today. Just us three. This'll be quick." Her tone was a little less cold than usual. "I wanted to let you both know that yesterday didn't go as I would've liked. Yes, I wanted to implement radical punishment but only because if we don't we will lose this valley all together and no one survives this time."

Bellamy and I looked at each other.

"You could've warned us, O." He told her.

She nodded. "I knew you'd try and stop us," Her eyes found mine. "I don't want to be the big bad wolf here but they need to fear one of us. I'll take the hit so you don't have to."

I couldn't fully understand what Octavia had to go through to become the leader she was when we found her in the bunker but I did understand having to make the hard decisions that no one else wanted to make that you believed were for the good of your people. As much as we've been at odds, I could still very much see her side of things.

"Until we figure out another way this is the only way. There hasn't been another crime report yet. It's still early but if people fear death then they'll be more inclined to stay in line. Trust me, I've seen this work for six years."

I leaned forward. "And what about Ilian? I pardoned him yesterday. I need your word that you and Diyoza aren't going to go after him."

She pushed a hand forward.

My hand grabbed her forearm as hers grabbed mine in a signal of leadership.

She gave us a nod before she left.

I stood. "You hungry? I was thinking algae for breakfast," I tried my hand a joking. It fell flat as I waited for him to get up.

He dragged his eyes to mine. "I need to tell you something,"

Something in his voice made me sit back down. "What is it?"

With a deep breath out he explained, "Something happened last night."

Remorse filled me. "Yeah, I'm sorry for kicking you out. I just thought it was best for the both of us."

His hand laid on top of mine on the table. "Not that. " He swallowed the lump in his throat. "After I left I must've run into Malia..."

The weight of what he was getting at hit me, but I wanted to hear him say it before my mind jumped the gun.

"And I slept with her." He admitted.

My hand snaked from under his. I bit the inside of my cheek and stood.

"Clarke,"

I held up a hand. "It's fine."

His brows knitted together. "How could it be fine?"

"Because you don't owe me anything, Bellamy." My eyes looked at the corner of the room. "You can sleep with whomever you want. It's fine."

"Unless I misunderstood something the past few days how are you okay with this?" He demanded.

"What do you want me to say?" I blew up. My eyes burned into his. "I told you that I wasn't in a place to make this work." I very much wasn't okay with this but how did I say that without sounding like a hypocrite? "How can I expect you to wait?" I started for the exit. "That'd be completely unfair of me."

"Clarke," He came after me, his hand grabbed my wrist.

I pulled away. "No. You know what, you don't have to say anything else, Bellamy. Just leave me alone, okay?"

He looked the appropriate amount of disappointed in himself, which I was fine because if the situation had been reversed I knew he'd feel some way about it.

I had every intention of forgiving him in a few days. Life was too short and precious to hold grudges at people that you cared about so I planned on forgiving him, I just wanted the space to work through the anger and gut-wrenching heartache of finding out that someone you were into had sex with someone else. Cliff notes, it wasn't fun to process.

Feona caught me before I entered the ship to check in on Ilian. "Hey, let's chat."

"Not in the mood."

"Too bad, I'm playing referee."

I stopped to look at her. "So you know?"

She nodded. Her hands raised. "I come as a messenger so don't shoot me," She tried to give a grin but it didn't hold up. "Alright, Malia wants to talk but she's worried that you're going to try to light her on fire or something."

The thought hadn't crossed my mind until now, but I had to stay true to myself.

"No, I'm not-Why can't she come to talk to me herself?"

She looked uncomfortable. "She told Scott about it, they had a big argument, and I'm pretty sure she's crying into her pillow as we speak."

Last night, she told us about her almost-boyfriend, Scott. They'd befriended each other in the bunker and to my knowledge, she was too afraid to commit to the idea of being with one person because she didn't quite have herself together. I wholeheartedly understood how that felt. So why'd she sleep with Bellamy?

"I'm not saying you have to forgive her but you didn't strike me as the type of person to run away from problems all that much."

Only the Bellamy problems made me run.

She backed away. "I would hug you but you have a look in your eye so I'll catch you later."

A single tear fell from my eye without warning. I wiped it away. I wanted to be the girl that could curl up in bed and cry my eyes out over someone but I had to keep moving.

The song for this pov is Snakeships & MO - Don't Leave

RAVEN'S POV:

I was woken up by Murphy's snoring with my body against his. How could I forget that he was loud enough that it drove me to pinch his nose together a few times to get him to wake up?

My fingers clamped his nose together again, something I wouldn't do to just anybody.

His airflow was disrupted, he came to in a frenzy. When he saw it was me he swatted my hand away. "I very much have plans for your death."

A few years ago a comment like that from him would've made me draw a gun on him. Now I took it as the light banter we had with no one else.

"I can't believe we fell asleep out here," I stretched my back.

He held the basket near his lap. "You should probably go first,"

"Too embarrassed to be seen with me?" I teased after I started gathering stuff. I took in his rigid pose. "What's wrong?"

"Don't make me say it," He glanced at me.

"Say what?" I registered where the basket was and breathed out. "Oh," I wasn't sure why but I laughed.

He wasn't amused and he said as much, "Do you think this is funny?"

My head shook. "No, not even a little bit." My hand went to my mouth to compose myself. "You know what, I'm going to go get something to eat. Join me if you can,"

He looked shocked. "Really? You're not mad?"

I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. "Why would I be? It's science." Before it could get weird I headed for the valley.

The walk over wasn't exactly what I thought it'd be. I couldn't get my mind off of Murphy's morning wood, which was a weird statement in itself. At the end of the day, I knew Murphy was a guy and he had needs. Thinking about him in any other way than platonic was strange. Not because I didn't find him attractive in his sort of way. I don't know, he had been there in the background for so long that when he became important to me I didn't think of him that way.

He hadn't talked to me about Emori much, only to assure me that he was over her. They harbored no ill will toward each other, but I could tell he wasn't entirely happy. Not like how he was when he'd been with her. Them getting back together was probably a no go so maybe there was someone else that he'd be up for a meeting.

I ordered our usual at our usual table. We'd done this enough times to have that synchronicity. No one was as stunned as me, but he knew where I stood. I didn't care about my leg being literally shot because of him, not in the way he worried about. Maybe that was why I was so drawn to his friendship because it was clear as day that he regretted it constantly and he cared about me. He valued me. It was in his eyes. In his actions. In him.

All I wanted besides my own happiness was making sure he was well off.

"You're eating alone?"

I spotted Zeke a few feet away, my heart jumped into action. "What?"

He gestured to the table for two. "Is that spot reserved?"

I wasn't one to focus on appearance, but he came equipped.

"Actually, yes," I didn't have the same fight or flight response to him since we talked last night but I was still a bundle of nerves inside. "Murphy should be here any second." My eyes scanned the area.

He nodded. "Right. Are you still interested in our project?"

Bringing the internet back up was one hell of a project, but with our minds, I knew it was doable. Zeke was a smart man, smart enough to figure out how to do this without me if he absolutely had to. So I knew it was a ruse so he could spend time with me. That, I didn't mind.

My head nodded casually. "I'll be there,"

"Hey,"

We looked up at Murphy approaching us.

He didn't look too happy, but what else was new.

I remembered our last interaction and tried to hide my smile. "You good?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" He sat down all huffy. He looked up at Zeke. "You ready for tomorrow?"

Zeke nodded. "Of course," He looked at me. "Why don't you join us sometime?"

My forehead creased together. "On the boot camp?" A knot of uncomfortability formed in my stomach. I thought about it a thousand times and a thousand times I knew that I couldn't endure the pain or discomfort for that amount of time. It would be too difficult to complete. Impossible.

I could feel Murphy's protectiveness kick in before he even said a word.

His face screwed in disbelief. "Hey, man-"

"Murphy," My foot slid next to his. "It's okay." I looked to Zeke. "I can't."

He looked genuinely confused until he remembered about my leg. Empathy took over his face. "Raven, I'm so sorry. I didn't think about that."

Murphy's hand encased mine. "That's right, you didn't."

I kicked him under the table. "Honestly, it's okay. It happens."

He offered a grin but looked a little discouraged. His eyes went back and forth between us. "Don't let me keep you from breakfast."

"See ya," I waved a goodbye, then leaned forward with my hands on my knees. "So I had the best idea. You're going to like it."

His brow arched. "Am I?"

I gave him a look. "You might if you crank down the ass,"

He threw a tight grin my way. "How about you leave the wisecracking to me?"

My eyes rolled. "So I was thinking, do you remember Malia's friend from last night?" I shook my head. "You left early, I forgot."

Our food was brought out.

"Thanks,"

The server left.

"And I think she'd be perfect for you."

He dug into his food. "No, thanks."

"She's really cute. Nice. You'd like her," I gestured to him. "You just seem a little down lately. A woman might be good for you."

He waved it off. "I'm good. Promise."

I watched him ignore the topic. Disappointment sat in my chest. He didn't want to help himself where it counted. I was proud of him for starting a boot camp with the guys. He wanted to help people in his own hard knock way. Hearing him say he thought of my strength when he needed the motivation to push forward warmed my heart. You'd figure that someone like Murphy was his own motivation but he drew strength from others when he needed it, a limited few.

When the time was right, he'd find someone worth being himself with.

"Your algae's getting cold," He pointed to my plate.

I looked down at it. "Right," I ate but the mood had changed a bit between us.

Zeke had been hard at work when I entered the ship. His hand was balled up against his mouth in thought.

"Don't strain your brain. Let me help," I pulled up a chair to inspect his work. "You said you had some concerns?"

He nodded. "I'm thinking about the consequences if we get the internet back up." He read the confusion across my face and went on, "You weren't around when technology was at its peak before the bombs went off. Everyone was glued to their phones, to social media, to being distracted about what was really going on," He turned his chair toward mine. "People would rather repost videos of someone getting bullied or shooting up a school than help make sure it doesn't happen again. Everyone was a passive bystander." Guilt ran through his brown eyes. "Myself included."

"You couldn't have been that bad," I assured.

A heavy breath left him. "This world that you all know, a world where racism, sexism, or classism doesn't exist, isn't our world. We still remember not getting jobs because of the color of our skin, having people not take you seriously because you were a woman. Or going to jail because you were gay in third world countries. All of that weighs on you." His shoulders seemed to still carry it. "Over time it becomes a part of who you. Always being aware that someone somewhere didn't like you solely based on the color of your skin, or how you dressed, or who you loved, or who you voted for." He wheeled himself a bit closer, he leaned forward on his knees. "The reason I'm telling you this is because if we bring the internet back we open the door for all of that hate and divide back into our world. I'm not sure I'm ready to have that responsibility on my hands."

I leaned forward. "You can't hold yourself responsible for what happens afterward. We could get our people to a place where this valley isn't the only livable place. We could broadcast messages to see if there are any other survivors. It could bring us closer more than it could divide us." My eyes gazed into his. "If we do this we're chancing a lot, and I get that, but think about all the good that could come from it. There's no risk without reward, right?"

He nodded.

"We can always build a backdoor out if things go haywire,"

He stared at me tentatively.

"What?" I felt self-conscience. It had been awhile since I came across someone that could stimulate me intellectually in the way I wanted. The fact that he was wrapped in a pretty package only made me slightly jittery.

His eyes were so deep. "About earlier, I didn't mean to make that stupid comment. I was trying to find other ways to spend time with you. Outside of work."

I did my best to hide my budding smile. My eyes coyly looked down. "Really, it's okay." I looked back up at him, then moved to further inspect his work.

"Okay," He was closer than he'd been a moment ago. "How do you feel about getting dinner with me sometime?"

My face heated up. "How about you ask me again after we finish the project?" I looked at him.

He grinned. "I'm okay with that."

"Okay," I grinned back. My heart pounded away. It was insane to experience someone liking you after years of basically being celibate. Every part of it was new and scary like you had never done it before.

We worked well together as it turned out. Not a big surprise there. He was dangerously smart to not have gone through any schooling. He had experience. That was really sexy. Admittedly, I daydreamed off about turning up the heat so to speak, but I was a professional. For now.

A lot of progress was made, but we had at least another day's worth of work to come close to tapping into the satellite, but this would take a few to be thorough. We high fived after we called it a day.

Wrapped up in the work, I forgot that I was supposed to grab lunch with Echo.

"Crap."

He stretched his arms. "What's wrong?"

My thumb motioned toward the exit. "I forgot about my lunch plans."

He stood, his hand scratched at the back of his neck. "Send my apologies to Murphy." He waited for my response.

"Murphy? No, it was Echo. She wanted to talk to me about something."

"Oh," His hand dropped back to his side. "I figured because you're usually joined at the hip."

I nodded. "Yeah, we are. Who would've thought after what he did?" I no longer held it against him but it came out as a conversation piece.

"What did he do?" A hint of protectiveness in his voice.

I pointed to my leg.

He looked taken aback.

"You didn't know?" Odd because they spent a decent amount of time together as well. I just assumed everyone knew but now that I thought about it, no one that didn't know us before would suspect a thing.

He tapped his fingers on the desk. "Was it hard to forgive him after what he'd done?"

I nodded. "After a while it became clear that if I didn't then I wouldn't move on with my life. Holding onto that anger and pain was exhausting. And despite my leg, if it weren't for Murphy I wouldn't be alive today." My mind went to the past. "He was a totally different person back then. You wouldn't recognize him."

"So you two never...?"

My face turned red. "With Murphy?" I laughed. "Why would you think that?"

He gives a cute nervous laugh, "When I asked him if he was into you he told me no, but I get the feeling he lied. Maybe I'm wrong,"

I blankly stared at him. "You're definitely wrong, he doesn't like me. Not like that."

He didn't seem so sure. "You're positive?"

My head nodded. "A hundred percent. You don't have anything to worry about,"

His lips tugged into a smile.

I pursed my lips, then backpedaled. "Not that you wanted to worry about it or didn't." What was I saying? I tried to talk again and it was mushmouth central until I gave up and gestured behind me. "I'm going to go."

He grinned at me in amusement. "I'll see you around," He promised.

I waved bye and headed out of there with my pride on the floor. Cool, Blaise Raven wasn't home anymore.

Echo was in the middle of a conversation with Bellamy when I approached their tent. A conversation didn't quite promote the level of loudness with which they talked.

I was about to back away when she stormed out.

She paused when she saw me.

"Uh, I can come back later."

"No," She grabbed my arm and tugged me along. "Where can we talk?"

We walked through the "downtown".

"Are you okay?" I put my hand on her shoulder.

As strong as she wanted everyone to believe she was hurting inside about her breakup with Bellamy. I don't think I could've easily handled being in her position.

Her head shook, she tried not to cry but her eyes watered. "I need to move out." She sighed. "We tried to make it work after the breakup but I can't do it, Raven. It hurts too damn much." She stopped and turned to me with pain on her face. "I don't know why I thought I could do this so casually." Her face crumbled. "I shouldn't have gotten involved."

I attacked her with a hug. "This is not your fault, Echo." I rubbed her back. She'd gotten into the middle of something that was never resolved and none of us knew Clarke was alive, so the moment Bellamy knew, they were on borrowed time, but I didn't tell her that. "How about you stay with me for a few days?"

She pulled away to look at me, her eyes were pink. "Really? You'd do that for me?"

"Of course," When Emori was my roommate up on the ring I hadn't liked it but this would only be for a few days.

She hugged me tightly. "Thank you. I'll find a place soon."

I offered a friendly smile. "How about I buy you a drink?"

She grinned in relief. "I could use one."

We started off for the bar.

"He's an idiot, by the way," I told her.

She nodded. "Aren't they all?"

I laughed. "Pretty much."

 

The song for this pov is Slow Meadow - Lonesome Summer

CLARKE'S POV:

Maybe it was brash but I placed my council pin on the table before I talked myself out of it. Was it an easy choice for me? Not even a little bit. My whole identity since we got to the ground had been a leader. Everything had been about my people. I had a six-year break but I jumped back into things when we had to bring the valley together. Now I wanted the time to myself. It was hard being a surrogate mom and leader. I felt like I hadn't spent enough time with Madi even though she'd say otherwise.

I'd been drawing all day and I couldn't wait to make some paints. By the time dinner rolled around my hands were covered in paint and I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. The buzz I had probably helped.

"Clarke?"

I opened the flap to see Malia on the other side. "Hey,"

Her eyes were puffy and sad. "Do you mind if I come in so we can talk?"

I stepped aside and stowed my anger at the sight of her. "What do you want?"

She huffed. "I know we only just met but I thought we were going to be friends but I guess I blew it, huh?"

"Kinda,"

"I messed up," She nodded in regret. "I got wasted. Last night wasn't about Bellamy. Yeah, he's hot but I don't like him." She struggled not to cry. "Not like that. He was around and equally as heartbroken. It just happened." She wiped at her eyes. "I was upset about Scott and he was upset about you. It didn't mean anything." Her eyes begged mine to understand. "I'm sorry."

Her words weighed on me, but I didn't process them because of how broken she looked. I'd been there before and if I allowed myself to, I could go there again. But this wasn't about my allowing weakening emotions to dictate my actions. It was about growing my strengths and lifting others up. The last few days it became clear that it was something I wanted to work on. I think I owed that revelation to Murphy. Why not start now?

I put my petty feelings aside to hug her. "I forgive you,"

She held onto me with a desperate need for vindication. "I'm sorry," She repeated.

After she cried herself out she looked at me for answers.

"Um, do you want to talk about Scott?"

Her face fell and signaled another round of tears.

I grabbed her shoulders. "Enough of that, tell me what happened."

She looked so wistful which was the antithesis of how I first met her, it was sad to witness. Her gaze went to her hands. "Scott and I...We're complicated. Feelings are known. They're reciprocated," She sighed, her hand wiped a tear away from her cheek. "I break things, Clarke." She met my eyes. "I can't bear to break him." A morbid smile passed her face. "He's too important to me."

I knew that feeling too. I was starting to see that Malia and I were a lot alike. Except she was who I wanted to be spirit wise. Maybe not as carefree that I'd want to kiss everyone in greeting but I liked her energy.

"I've never loved anyone like I loved him." She held her hand to her mouth. Her eyes welled with overwhelming emotion. "I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do," She begged.

My empathy got the best of me and I felt my eyes moisten. "I can't when I don't know what I'm doing myself." I thought of what Bellamy meant to me and I truthfully couldn't see my life without him. He'd been so integral to my survival and emotional wellbeing. "Sometimes you have to let them go while you figure your own shit out." Everything swelled in my chest and I struggled to hold it in. "Even when it's painful as hell."

She started to cry for real this time. "I didn't think you'd ever cuss."

I nodded. "I know," I sobbed along with her.

We reached for each other and ended up in a cry hug. It was very cathartic. By the time we cried ourselves out we stared at each other.

"You look gross," She pointed to my face.

"So do you,"

We shared a laugh and a moment that connected us to each other's anguish.

An idea popped into my head.

"What are you doing tomorrow morning?" A hopeful grin came to my face.

Her lips pouted in thought. "Probably have an appointment with myself to cry some more, then take a break to sob, but that's just off the top of my head."

I got off the bed to grab something for us to fix ourselves up with. "This is probably going to sound crazy,"

"I like crazy."

I handed her one of my old boring shirts that I didn't want to ever wear again. "I was thinking that you could join Feona and me in the boot camp?"

She considered. "Absolutely not even a little bit." She wiped her face off.

My face fell in disappointment. "Come on, it's fun."

"What about physically straining myself sounds fun?"

I thought back to my experience and I had doubts that it would feel the same as it did the first time but I wanted to keep doing it.

"I really didn't want to do it either, but I figured what did I have to lose? There was no part of it that was easy," I gestured to her. "And that's kind of the point. You keep going because you want to finish the race. You want something to feel proud of. It seems very impossible until you're running toward the valley. So many times I wanted to give up and I almost did. Murphy was there to push me, to push everyone. Same with Zeke and Miller."

"You're clearly excited about it."

My head nodded. "I never expected to be able to work through the things wrong in my life emotionally while pushing myself physically or to feel the clarity I did after when we all sat around and decompressed." I wiped my face off.

"My answer's still no. For now." She tucked some hair behind her ear. "I'm going out tonight but tomorrow I'll need the alone time."

"Fair enough,"

She pointed at me. "Also, just so you know, Bellamy was very drunk. And I'm pretty sure I was not who he was thinking of if you know what I mean."

I made a grossed out face. "Yeah, I know what you mean." I chucked my snot shirt at her.

She swiftly dodged it. "I swear, I'm not an alcoholic, but I could really use a drink."

I took another swig of my alcohol. "Cheers."

On the way over after we really cleaned ourselves up, we crossed Bellamy talking to Diyoza with his arms crossed, a not so happy scowl in place.

Nothing against Diyoza, but every time I saw her within five feet of him I wanted to push kick her away. It wasn't because I thought he liked her, he very much didn't. It was because there was a version of events that could've played out with him with her or still with Echo or with anybody else. Anybody that wasn't me. And as much as I wanted to be about myself I longed for my best friend back even if it killed me emotionally.

"We can take another way," Malia suggested.

I looked at her.

Her eyes gleamed in understanding. "We don't have to go this way."

The only other option was to retreat and hide and I wasn't doing either.

"I'm fine,"

We neared him.

Malia held my hand in support.

He looked at us in astoundment. For him, it probably was a shock. He wanted to talk, I could tell. He wanted to walk over and make peace.

My head shook in the slightest way. I wasn't ready for that peace to be made. I just needed a little more time to be mad.

He stayed where he was even though he didn't seem happy about it.

A breath of weakness left me after we were no longer in eye contact.

I sank into a chair at the table Raven and Zeke were already at, the two of them hovered closely over a tablet.

They looked up at my heavy flop down.

"Griffin, you doing okay?" Zeke asked.

I sank further into my seat. "You know when people ask that they really only want to hear that you're fine. They don't want the truth." I motioned at him. "Do you, Zeke? Do you want the truth?"

He glanced at Raven, then nodded. "The truth never hurt anybody,"

"That's where you're wrong," I sipped at one of their drinks. "The truth hurts. It changes things. The truth makes you wish you never knew it."

"Well, it was just a phrase." He pointed his thumb behind him. "Do you need a drink?" He hopped up before I could answer. "I'll get another round." He joined Malia at the bar.

Raven gave me her best eyebrow raise.

"Can't I wallow in my sorrows and not have to talk about what's wrong for once?"

She watched me. "You know where I'll be when you want to talk."

We stared at each other in gratitude. Plenty of times had we been there for each other. I knew that if I needed a shoulder that she'd offer no matter how inconvenient.

She gave me a sad grin, I knew Finn ran through her mind along with all of the other things we'd been through.

Malia and Zeke came back with our drinks. Things weren't so bad. He told us stories of his life back in the day while his arm rested on the back of Raven's chair. She didn't seem unhappy about it. Soon Monty and Harper joined. It was a fun experience while drinking.

Raven waved behind me. "You're late," She held adoration in her voice, she pulled out one of the two empty chairs at the table.

Murphy emerged with his hands in his pockets. He sat beside me instead, a controlled mask on his face. "Didn't think this was a group event."

Her eyes narrowed a bit.

He took them in together and maybe it was because I was sure he felt something for her, but I could've sworn there was a little green monster on his shoulder.

Malia cleared the air by telling a funny story about a time in the bunker. Her energy drifted from entertaining to dismal like a switch.

Harper patted Monty's shoulder. "Oh, I think Trisha would be someone Murphy would like to meet."

Monty nodded in agreement. "That's not a bad idea." He smiled at Murphy. "She's right up your alley."

"Not interested, but thanks." He looked everywhere but at Raven and Zeke.

Monty and Harper soured a bit.

Was this not obvious enough?

A huff came from Raven, she gestured to Murphy. "I offered to set him up but I guess he doesn't want to be happy."

He shot her a look. "We don't have to talk about this now," His tone strained.

Everyone looked between them.

Zeke removed his hand from the back of her chair.

Raven grew defensive. "I'm just trying to be a good friend,"

"Well, no one asked you to." He shoved his chair back.

She looked at him in disbelief. "Are you really mad at me over this?" She got up.

He glanced around at us and didn't know what to say with an audience so he stalked away.

She watched him go with a clenched jaw. "Uh uh," She went after him.

What I wouldn't give to be a fly on that wall.

Everyone shamelessly stared at Zeke for his input.

He didn't have an answer for us.

"Nice to know it's not just me going through it," Malia said.

Harper slapped her shoulder. "Come on,"

I thought about going after her to make sure she was okay but they needed to work through whatever it was they needed to work through. 

The song for this pov is Billy Lockett - Wide Eyes

'There's no remedy  
No more wide eyed  
I can't pretend  
No, I can't pretend  
No morning cries  
I can't pretend  
It's not the end  
No, it's not the end  
No more I lie  
I can't pretend  
No, I can't pretend  
No morning cries  
I can't pretend  
It's not the end  
No, it's not the end'

RAVENS POV:

"Murphy," I went after him. "Are you really going to make me walk all this way after you?" I stopped when we were decently alone. "My leg hurts." I stopped to catch my breath, my hands went to my leg. It was a pain I could deal with. Losing Murphy was not.

He turned back around to make sure I was okay and I loved that about him. "Are you okay?" He went to me.

I looked up at him. "Are you?" I stood up straight on baited breath.

He exhaled in annoyance. "I'm fine. I wish you'd stop worrying about me."

My arms folded across my chest. "How would you suggest I do that exactly? You're my best friend."

We had never actually said it but we both knew that was the law of the land between us.

"Raven," He paused as if he considered different words then what came out of his mouth, "I'm not ready to date someone new. Not when I'm not over the last one." His eyes weighed my reaction.

I gasped. "I knew you weren't over Emori," I pointed at him in accusation. "How could you not tell me? Why haven't you told her?"

He looked to the side. "Things would never work out again with Emori."

That was sad, knowing that a relationship would never pan out but loving the person anyway. I'd been there one too many times.

My hand went to his face, my eyes caught his. "She's not the only girl in the world, you'll find someone else. If not, they're all idiots."

He gave a budding grin.

I lowered my hand to his shoulder. "I'm sorry if I overstepped. I just wanted to see you be happy with someone else."

"I'm happy now, I don't need a girlfriend to make me happy." He faltered, then said, "I have your friendship. That's enough for now."

My eyes softened.

"We've been through a lot together, you and I. And I know that this makes me an even shittier person, but I'm glad I shot you." He looked nervous for my reaction but kept going. "I know how awful that sounds...but if I hadn't-I never would've realized how special of a person you are. How genuine your heart is. Or how extremely badass you are and everyone knows it from spending like two seconds with you." He swallowed the lump in his throat. "And as bad as it is, I love that we're us despite everything that I put you through. I'm grateful that I got to know you, Raven." He briefly looked above my head. "You're my best friend, too. I only want the best for you," He pulled me into a hug that felt somewhat like a goodbye. "So go be happy." He let me go.

I blinked back all the sentiment he stirred.

He nodded behind me.

I turned around to see Zeke several feet away with his hands in his pockets, he looked uncertain of whether he should be here. When I turned back to Murphy he'd already walked away. Something in me didn't want him to go.

"You two okay?" Zeke asked.

Honestly, I wasn't sure. Murphy had been a bit weird lately. I chalked it up to him trying to figure out his heart where Emori was involved. Maybe it was something else that I missed.

The walk back with Zeke was a bit strained. Not because we didn't have anything in common, we were maybe too into the idea of each other. Or I didn't know what I was talking about. And as nice as he was, he wasn't my best friend. Who I now missed after being parted for less than five minutes.

"Hey," Zeke gently grabbed my arm to pull me to a stop. "I know I already asked this, but I have to ask again and you give me an honest answer?"

I nodded in caution.

He looked nervous to ask but did anyway, "Do you have feelings for Murphy?"

An answer didn't come right away. "I...Love him. He's the closest friend I have. But that's all it is."

He nodded. A sigh left him. "I know that you told me to ask you out once we finish our project, I respect that. You guys are close, I also respect that."

I waited for the 'but'.

"But he's clearly uncomfortable at the thought of us. Normally, that wouldn't matter but I run a boot camp with this guy. I'm not trying to ruin something great that I have for..."

My gaze went to the ground. "For something unknown," I bit my lip.

He looked disconcerted. "I don't want it to sound like that."

"Yeah, no. I get it." I offered a cordial half grin. "But you're wrong. Murphy doesn't like me, not in that way." It was the truth, it had to be.

"I'm only looking in on the outside," His brow furrowed. "From here, it doesn't look so platonic to me." His hand flattened to his abdomen. "I'm sorry that that's the reality of things, but I'm not setting myself up for heartbreak, Raven."

I wasn't wrong, he was wrong. There wasn't room in my life for another guy to make me fall for him and then be ripped away. Murphy was all I had left. I couldn't risk that.

Zeke walked me to my tent, then placed a soft kiss on my cheek. "Goodnight,"

I tried to hide my disappointment, but my face was easy to read. "Night,"

He turned and walked away.

A part of me knew that I shouldn't be mad at Murphy for possibly ruining something with a really nice, smart, and hot guy, but I was upset. His moody ass had cost me a date. It didn't matter if the date didn't work out, I still wanted something to look forward to. He'd just have to straighten things out with Zeke tomorrow because I was getting that date.

The song for this pov is Cobi - Don't You Cry For Me

CLARKE'S POV:

Octavia found me talking to Ilian the next day. "You turned in your pin." She didn't acknowledge Ilian.

He stiffened at the sight of her.

Before she triggered something violent in him, I pulled her away so we could talk in private.

"I did, I thought you'd be happy."

She looked confused. "Why would I be happy about this? There needs to be two level heads on the council."

Now I was confused. "For what? You don't even listen to us half the time."

"That's beside the point. Diyoza and I are too alike for our own good. We need people like you and my brother to counteract us, keep us in line." She looked uncomfortable admitting this. "Sometimes I forget we aren't in the bunker anymore. I just want us to do better, even if that means putting the fear of God into them for stepping out of line."

I struggled to not want to fix her thinking because it wasn't my job anymore. I had myself and Madi to worry about. This was weird for me, to go against my instinct to help and make sure everything was okay. However, things wouldn't change for me if I fell back into the habits I was trying to change.

"Bellamy will steer you right, trust him."

She held her arm out.

I did the same and wrapped my hand around her forearm.

"If you change your mind, the spot's always open." She didn't say it but I knew that meant she respected my opinion a tremendous amount. "What are you going to do now?"

My shoulders shrugged. "How fast can I get my hands on an extra booth?"

She gave a business like nod, then left.

I went back to Ilian to find the quarters empty. He couldn't have gotten far. In fact, he didn't.

He made it to his tent with his energy on packing a bag.

"What are you doing?" I entered.

He stuffed more things inside. "What does it look like?"

"Look," I started. "I've been where you are and I know why you want to run, but you won't survive out-"

"You don't know me, Clarke." He shifted toward me. "You don't know what I had to watch. My own father wrongfully killed for a something he didn't do."

I stared him down. "No, but I know what it's like to watch my father get sucked into the vacuum of space when he tried to warn our people of something that would've saved us a lot faster." I stepped toward him. "I know what it's like having no better choice than to stab my first love so he wouldn't suffer a thousand cuts."

He grew rigid.

Another step. "Having to pull the lever that killed hundreds of men, women, and children to keep us alive."

We stood face to face.

"Or sacrificing myself so that my friends could go up to space and survive for six years while I didn't know if I would ever see them again," My voice cracked.

His eyes teared up.

"Go ahead, Ilian. I know nothing about your pain? We've all lost more people than we can count! It's up to you what you do with that pain," My eyes bored into his. "Are you going to let it knock you down...or are you going to let it build you up?"

He sat down on his bed, a few tears ran down his face. "I don't know if I can do this, Clarke."

I sat beside him.

"I'm not a fighter. I'm a coward."

My head shook in protest. "You're still standing, aren't you?"

He looked around us, his hand wiped at his face. "What a way to follow up on a second date?" He attempted a joke but his heart wasn't in it.

"Oh," I paused. "Ilian, I'm sorry. I can't-" I gestured between us. "I'm just not ready for anything."

"Easy," He held his hand up in surrender. "Neither am I." The look in his eyes was recognizable; the same look I had in mine when I killed Finn. Only his held another kind of darkness.

To my delight, Octavia held up her word and got me my stand very soon after my time with Ilian. "Hope you know what you're doing,"

We stood outside in front of it.

My head shook. "Not even a little bit," I was okay with that.

She parted with a nod.

It was late in the morning, people were out and about, so I set up shop of the artwork I had. Maybe two or three would sell then I'd call it a day.

Hours ticked by with my patiently standing behind the booth. People came and went but nobody stopped for more than several seconds. None were moved enough to buy anything. That made me feel like I wasn't good enough. The lower the Sun got in the sky the more I doubted if I'd made a mistake giving up my spot on the council. I'd never been a spontaneous person. Logical and rational if anything. So I had to wonder if my spontaneity would bite me in the butt?

Right when I was about to admit defeat, someone caught my attention once I took my hair from its wooden holder.

I stalled at the sight of Bellamy.

He stopped where he stood, his eyes waited for some sign of consent that he could approach.

Eventually, I gave it.

His presence in front of my art was anxiety-inducing. He'd never seen my work before. What if he didn't like it?

What if he didn't connect with it or understand it?

He focused on one painting, in particular, the head and the heart fighting. His thick hands picked it up gingerly.

Why had I put that out? It was the one thing that put my feelings on paper for him. I didn't want to pretend to know what it'd been like for him to suppress his feelings, but there had to be momentous amounts of doubt. Just maybe, he came to me last night because he didn't believe me. I didn't want to put words into his mouth.

His dark eyes slid to mine, they were filled with more unspoken things. He held up my painting. "How much?"

My heart stuttered in my chest. I was tempted to tell him he could have it, more because I couldn't quite focus on words as much as him being in front of me. For far too long, I ignored how attractive he'd been to me. Now it was hard to hide it away when he looked like he did.

Instead of waiting for me to answer he handed me more than enough money to pay for one measly painting.

I looked back up at him. My hand extended open face toward him. "You can have it."

He backed with the tiniest and sexiest of smirk's I'd seen on him without a word.

I watched him back away. My eyes tried to convey that I would be forever grateful for his display of faith in me when no one else had it.

He gave a single nod, then walked away.

A smile worked on my face as I officially packed up. I actually sold something. Granted, it was to Bellamy about Bellamy and I, but I still sold something. As the day dragged on, I tried not to let it get me down because I had an inkling that he'd buy a piece of paper with a line across it for me. That, in turn, made me feel better.

Kane and I were chatting by one of the fires about a gift he wanted to get my mom when we heard screams not too far from us.

We rushed toward the noise.

Zeke came into view with Murphy in his arms. "Help!" He was covered in sweat, desperation wafted off of him. "Somebody help!"

Murphy looked pale and disoriented in pain.

Others gathered around.

"What happened?" I demanded. I couldn't find anything wrong with him until I lifted his pant leg to discover a hole in his skin. My eyes went to Zeke.

"They're inside him." He looked on the verge of tears. "You can get them out, right? You can save him?"

Everyone looked at me once again as if I had the magical solution. Maybe I did, but not with all of this pressure of me.

I jumped into action mode. "Get him to medical. Now!" I held Murphy's hand on the way. "You're going to be okay."

His body shook. "Don't tell Raven. If I die," His body wracked in Zeke's arms. His wild eyes zeroed in on mine. "Don't tell her. Just say I never came back."

"You're not making any sense. Don't try to talk."

Were close to medical. The moment we got he was carefully placed on the table. 

His hand grabbed intensely at my shirt. "Promise me," His eyes begged as they filled with moisture. "If I die, don't tell her."

I prayed to God or whatever was up there that it wouldn't be the case. A stray tear leaked out of the corner of my eye. I wiped it away with a nod.

A/N: This is the first fic where I tried doing different songs for all the pov's, usually I just do one song. I don't know if I like it. What are your thoughts? Let me know below :) This took longer to get up due to my laptop failing two weeks ago. I got it back today and I've never felt so amazing lol. Follow my The 100 instagram @zaven_murven 

Also what do you think Raven's reaction should be? Angry/protective or disbelieving/sad?


	5. The Weight Of Us

The song for this chapter is Sanders Bohlke - The Weight Of Us

RAVEN'S POV:

I bided my time all the way out at Kissing Rock for the boot camp to get back. There wasn't much other for me to do beside play my guitar. Zeke was with Murphy and Miller doing their thing. Monty wouldn't be up this early now that he didn't have to be, he likely cuddled with Harper or did some romantic couple stuff that I wouldn't know about.

How long had it been since I had a kiss? Or...

Zeke headed my way.

I hated to do this but I needed the space. "Hey, I can't do this right now," I observed him sharply. There were fear in his eyes and anxiety on his skin. He didn't look himself. "What's wrong?"

He gestured behind him. "I felt bad about last night so I went to go find Murphy at one of his spots this morning and we got into an argument. We weren't paying attention and it came out of nowhere."

I stood. "What came out of nowhere?"

He panted, his eyes filled with guilt. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen."

"What came out of nowhere, Zeke?" I demanded. My thoughts got the better of me. Maybe it was nothing and he was overly dramatic.

His eyes closed momentarily as he blew out a breath. "A sandworm."

"Oh my God," I rushed forward, maybe a brisker pace than I should've had. The pain in my leg ached, but that would always be there for me. Murphy wouldn't.

"Hey, slow down a bit. You're going to hurt yourself." He cautioned.

And he was right. I tripped up on my own feet and fell palms first onto the ground. The fall didn't hurt compared to my present worry but I wanted to break down right then and there.

Zeke's hand went to my back. "Raven, if you need a minute we can rest here."

I smacked his hand away. "I'm fine." I blinked away the beginning of tears, then I pulled myself together and stood.

"Clarke and her mom are treating him," He said to ease my mind.

Things passed in a blur. I didn't register the rest of the journey there. Or the multitude of people surrounding the hall and operating room. My heart threatened to stop working at the sight of him thrashing around in pain.

He turned his head like he felt my presence. Alarm rang in his eyes as they stared deep into mine.

And then he went unconscious.

"No!" I cried out.

Clarke whipped around to stare at me. She looked at someone else in the room. "Close the door!" She yelled like it was obvious it needed to be shut.

My head shook. "No,"

The door shut in my face in finality.

I pressed my hand to it. Tears threaten to fracture my fortitude. My hand balled into a fist that banged on the door.

"Raven," Zeke tried to calm me down.

I ignored him. "Clarke, let me in!"

Thunder cracked through the sky.

Zeke's hand fell on my shoulder. "Hey,"

I shrugged it off. "Get off of me," Both of my fists pounded into the metal of the door. I was sure they could hear me. If he was dying I needed to see him before I lost him.

Zeke pulled me back. "Raven, you need to calm down. They can't do their job if you're distracting them."

My patience slipped away when I turned on him. "You did this," I shoved him back.

He looked hurt by my words.

"This is your fault!" I went after him with everything I had. "He's going to die because of you!" My tears rolled down my face.

He tried to deflect my hits. He looked pained but I didn't care.

"Why'd you have to go talk to him!" I slapped him across the face.

He stared at me with stunned eyes, his hand went close to his cheek.

Oh my God.

My eyes widened. I tried to apologize but only a sob came out. My hand closed over my mouth to hide it in but it did little to help with the scene I made.

He watched me weep, not knowing what to do until he moved for me.

I backed away. My hands wiped at my face, but it was no use because I kept crying.

He moved for me again and didn't stop until he had me in his arms. "I'm sorry."

I cried into his chest with no reservation about how much of a mess I made or how ugly I'd look after. I just poured everything out into him because he was right here.

Eventually we sank to the floor with our backs against the wall while we waited for someone to come out with news. No news was good new at this point. If he'd been dead they would've been out a long time ago. Right?

Zeke brought his hand to mine on the floor. "He's strong, he'll be okay."

I nodded, but I felt a bit numb to start a conversation even though one thing pressed on my mind other than Murphy's potential death.

"It was about you," Zeke read my mind.

My eyes glanced at him. I removed my hand from under his. My heart rate picked up a bit.

He tried to hide the sting that I caused but it didn't run across his face as quickly as he thought it had. He composed himself, then said, "I went to get the truth. I felt bad about what happened between us at the end of the night. And-And I wanted to clear the air between us before the boot camp but he didn't show up and a few others weren't feeling great so we postponed it," He brought his hands to his lap. "He'd been acting strange around me lately."

My heart pounded a little faster.

"You were the only variable that changed. So I needed a firm answer."

I chanced a look at him.

His eyes masked what he really felt in that moment. "You were wrong, Raven."

My heart jackhammered enough that I felt heart palpitations. Please, don't say it.

"He's got such a deep respect for you. He doesn't think he's deserving of you, really none of us are, but he wants you to be happy. That's why he told me to go for it with you."

No, I didn't want to hear this. It wasn't true. It couldn't be because if it was, then that would mean my best friend was in love with me. There was no other way to take what Zeke said.

He sighed. "I know, I shouldn't have told you but if something goes wrong in there I think you should know. Just in case."

"How would knowing that be better?" I demanded.

He stared at me, then looked away. "Do you want me leave?"

I turned my gaze straight ahead. My head shook.

Some time later, the door opened, and Clarke slipped out. Her clothes were covered in blood and other waste.

I shot up as best I could. "Tell me straight, is he dead?" My eyes scanned hers desperately.

Zeke stood beside me.

Her head shook. "No," A budding smile crossed her face. "But he had a major surgery. He's going to need time to rest and recover."

"How long before I can see him?"

She looked between Zeke and I. "To be on the safe side, a few days."

"Are you kidding me?" I bugged out. "I can't wait a few days."

Her hands went to my shoulders. "Raven, he needs to get better and I'm afraid that he won't with you around."

My mouth balled up. "Go float yourself, Clarke."

Zeke put an arm between us. "Hey, chill." He looked at me. "Clarke is doing what she thinks is best, alright. Take a step back."

She looked grateful for the appreciation. Her eyes were beyond tired.

I knew I was not putting my best self forward, so I took Zeke's advice and took a physical and mental step back.

"We're going to set him up in a room to observe him for a few days. Once we've cleared him you can see him all you want."

Bellamy raced around the corner, his eyes radiated concern. "Is he okay? Are you guys okay?" He looked around us all but he checked Clarke out the most. "Are you okay?"

She waved him off. "We need to talk," She looked at Zeke and I. "Excuse us."

They went off like they usually did.

Abby exited the room.

Zeke coughed into his hand. "I've got to go take care of some work. I'll be the lab if you need me," He have a parting look then left us alone.

Abby gestures for me to follow her to her office.

I went with a pit of bad news in my stomach. I wanted to throw up.

CLARKE'S POV:

Bellamy and I walked outside to get some air. For now the conversation was about Murphy and the situation we'd have on our hands if the sand parasites found a way to our valley.

"When should we send a team out?" He read my mind.

"We gather a team and head out in thirty." I looked down at my bloody clothes. "We can't let what happened to Murphy happen again. He got lucky. I don't think we'll be able to pull off what we did in that room again." I looked up at him.

He nodded. "We'll have to put together some kind of armor over time. Today we'll just have to be careful." He half turned to me. "You shouldn't go."

My brow arched. "What, why?"

He gave me a look. "Do I need to spell it out for you, Princess?"

Damn him.

A smile pulled at my lips but I fought it. "Bellamy,"

He held his hand up. "I know what's what, Clarke. Doesn't mean I'm not going to worry about you."

I sighed. "Same." My eyes stared into his. "You shouldn't go."

"I've got to do something. I can't sit around here all day knowing they could be coming as a serious threat, And I kind of don't want to go back home."

Something in his voice made me ask, "What happened?"

We stopped walking and stood in place as we faced each other.

"Echo moved out after the Malia thing. I don't blame her," He huffed. "I was really holding onto the idea of us staying friends but I guess I underestimated the severity of our situation. She's not as hard as she looks."

I nodded. "Have you tried talking to her since?"

"I wouldn't know what to say." He ran his hand through his hair. "When did I become so bad at this?"

My eyes wandered off. "We can't be perfect all the time," I noticed Echo avoiding walking our way. "Now's your chance,"

He looked in my direction and stilled.

I walked over to her at a necklace booth. "Echo,"

She looked apprehensive of our arrival. "Clarke, what's up? You two trying to tell me you're getting married or something?"

The air thinned. Bellamy and I didn't look at each other.

She cracked a sour grin. "Relax. How's Murphy?"

"He's going to be okay. We want to send out a team to exterminate any that may be in the area. Are you up for it?"

Her eyes glanced at Bellamy, then she looked back at the vendor. She handed them a chip of payment for a turquoise stone necklace. She walked away from us and looked over her shoulder for us to follow.

We followed side by side.

"Echo, you don't have to do this. We thought you'd be a good fit."

She stopped and slowly turned around. "Just out of curiosity, who all is on the team so far?"

Bellamy knew where she was going with this apparently. "Just me. Hopefully you."

She stared at me and nodded with a wry laugh. "Fine, I'll help. Let me know when you find the rest of the team. I'll be with Raven."

He sighed after she left. "That could've gone better."

I watched her go. "She needs time. Losing you isn't as easy as it looks." I didn't realize the severity of my words when I met his eyes.

He gazed at me.

To avoid the awkward, I headed for my tent for a change of clothes. "I need to clean up, let me know when you've got a team."

He nodded, then went off to assemble an army.

Ilian made me jump back with his unknown presence on my bed.

"You've got to be kidding me. What the hell are you doing in here?" I gathered my clothes.

He stood. "I'm sorry,"

With my clothes in my arms I turned to him. "Go on."

"You were right about a lot of things. I came to say goodbye. I'm leaving. Tonight."

My forehead creased. "Leaving? There's nothing out there to go to. You wouldn't survive."

He shrugged. "I've got to try. I can't stay here and look at Niylah's face if she was right. Or look at Octavia's if she was wrong." His head shook. "It's probably best if I go."

"Ilian, that's a suicide mission." I tried to convince him. "Going out there is certain death."

His head shook. "If I stay here, I don't know what I'm going to do to Octavia. That is certain death, is it not?"

"Okay, give me to the end of the day to find a solution. Please," My eyes begged his.

"Clarke, it's not-"

"Please," I stepped closer to him. "At the end of the day if I can't convince you to stay then I'll let you go. Deal?" My hand shot forward because I really wasn't giving him a choice.

He sighed. "Only because I respect you as a person. You've got less than twelve hours to convince me." He patted my shoulder. "Good luck." He walked outside.

I cursed at the most impossible task I signed up for with everything else going on.

RAVEN'S POV:

Abby sat across from me in her office. "Hey, kiddo."

"Abby," I sighed. "Be real with me. How bad is it."

She wheeled her chair closer to mine. "He's a strong man. If he wasn't he'd be dead ten times over." Her hand clasped mine. "A few days rest and he'll be able to leave. Until then, you need to focus on Raven. He wouldn't want you to be stuck outside that door."

Well, she was right.

"It's not that easy."

She nodded. "I know, but they're not going to go by any faster with you counting down the seconds. Trust me on this. You'll be the first to know with any updates."

I thought about what Zeke said. You were wrong, Raven. Just how much truth had there been to that? What if Zeke misunderstood Murphy's words or reasons? It was possible. I mean, I think I'd know if my best friend was into me. Well, there had been his boner...but that was Science. Wasn't it?

Echo found me on my way out. She took me in. "Are you okay?"

My face fell. I shook my head. I felt my body close in on itself, my head shook.

She wrapped me in her arms. "I'm so sorry."

I cried into her shoulder. I should've been cried out but I wasn't.

For some reason, if he turned out to not be okay...I worried that I'd never stop crying.

"How about that lunch we never got? I'll pay." She offered.

The alternative was to lay in bed and weep. So I accepted.

"First we need to go find Emori. Does she even know?"

She shrugged.

Emori laid on her bed swallowed in her covers. Little sobs came from her in her fetal position.

Echo and I looked at each other before we got on the bed with her.

My arms went around her shaking body while Echo held her hand. I tried to be strong for her but I felt her pain, not in quite the same way, but I knew that fear. "He's going to be okay," I said into her hair, that I had to believe. My body clutched onto hers to try to shoulder some of her pain.

Eventually she wanted to us to leave. She thanked us for being there but she needed the time to herself to work through some things.

I wondered if this meant she was considering getting back together with him. He said he still had feelings for her. They could work. Everything could work out.

Echo and I sat in silence for a bit while we ate our late lunch.

"So Clarke and Bellamy want to send a team out to scout for more sand worms."

"Why do you sound not thrilled about that?"

She set down her fork. Her eyes went to the sky. "You know, Bellamy promised me on the ring that nothing would change when we got down here. Even then I knew he didn't know all the facts. How could he? I tried to be supportive of his feelings for Clarke. I let him figure out what he needed to figure out. Turns out I wasn't in the ballpark of importance she is." She looked more broken than I'd ever seen her. "He wants me to go on this highly dangerous mission, which is fine. I can handle myself." Her eyes met mine, they were wet with held in tears. "But Clarke, he wouldn't dream of letting her come." She gestured to her chest. "I'm trying to brush it off but it hurts. Three years of us working together and all it took was three seconds with Clarke for him to throw me away."

My hand grabbed hers across the table. "You know that's not true. Bellamy and Clarke, they're complicated. They've always been. I know this won't make you feel better but no one would've come between them forever, no one." I stressed. My eyes read hers. "I lost a boyfriend to her too. Yeah, it sucks, but if you think about it they're doing you a favor. If he can't love you like you deserve then what's the point? It took me a long time to realize I was holding onto a relationship only because Finn had been my only family and not because it was actually making me happy."

Zeke's words came to me again. He's got such a deep respect for you. He doesn't think he's deserving of you, really none of us are, but he wants you to be happy. That's why he told me to go for it with you.

I shook the thoughts away. "You have to worry about Echo right now. As hard as it is, worry about you."

She nodded.

We stayed there quite a while. Drinking our sorrows away. Talking about life in general. It was a nice distraction for the both of us. Echo was one of the nicest, most genuine people I've ever met. Too many times I've watched people disregard her because of her past. How shallow were they to only have looked on the surface, to only look at her past. We'd all done terrible things. I sat by while Abby was going to operate on Emori for bone marrow. I tried to turn Murphy in as replacement for Finn as justice for the village he shot up. I took the chip and almost ruined the world. Sure, Echo had done things that perhaps Bellamy of all people shouldn't have forgiven and fell in love with her despite of but he had.

And my mind kept going to Murphy. Say he was in love with me. Say he really thought after disabling me he didn't deserve to be with me. Our situation was not the same as Bellamy and Echo's but for the sake of my brain trying to work this all out, would it not be hypocritical for me to find the beauty in our relationship compared to there's? For argument's sake, if we ended up together how was that any different from them?

The evening grew darker and darker but we kept our seats warm until music filled the air and we just had to dance. Dancing had been something I only felt comfortable doing because of Murphy. He was my best friend. I didn't want that to change.

Three days later:

Zeke DJ'd by the bar.

Echo and I danced together in our three day long bender. Probably not our proudest moments but weren't going to let boy problems keep us down. Besides, if I stopped I come to all of the realizations that I blocked with the alcohol like a soccer goalie.

The music switched from electronic dance music to something a bit more poppy.

"Backstreet's back, alright." The group of boys sang. Oh my God, we're back again. Brothers, sisters, everybody sing. Gonna bring you the flavor show you how. Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah."

Monty and Harper danced with us.

Clarke hadn't been very available the past three days. Working with Octavia and her mom tuckered her out.

Bellamy wanted to hang out with us but he was trying to be respectful to Echo needing space. So he did his own thing.

I was coming down and beginning to sober up. That I didn't want so I headed over to the bar. I held up two fingers. "Two more,"

His raised his brow at me. "You're about fifty over your limit, Raven."

"Really, Rick? Thought I was booming your business?"

He reluctantly poured me two shots.

Zeke grabbed them before I could. "Don't you think you've had enough?"

I made a face at him. "Why do you think you are? My brother?"

He pushed them back to Rick. "If I was I'd be having this conversation with you. You need to pull yourself together."

I turned to him. "Why do you care, Ezekiel?" I poked his chest.

He sighed. "You're a special person, Raven. This isn't you. And you're only doing it for what? To cope with Murphy's feelings for you?" He whispered.

"You don't know anything," I walked away. "This whole friend act is getting old. We're not friends. We'll never be friends."

Echo met my eyes in worry.

Zeke pulled me back. "I'm trying to be a decent person, but you are making it really difficult. I feel bad for what happened. I'm trying to do right by you. And Murphy would be disappointed if he saw you like this."

My hands went to my hips. "So what? I'm not allowed to have fun? Be independent? Live my life?"

"Are you having fun?" He questioned. "Because it doesn't look like it. You just look sad. And for what? He's going to get better any day now. You can't hide from your feelings forever." He kept his voice down.

He was right. I knew he was right. But what was I to do?

There was a gasp and an 'Oh my God' from my friends.

Zeke and I turned to see what caught their attention.

Emori came our way with Murphy by her side.

He was awake and okay. And just a few feet away.

My eyes went down to his hand in Emori's. Something not very nice almost slipped out of my mouth. Out of nowhere, bile rose in my throat and I emptied my stomach of alcohol and algae. It was not a pretty sight.

Zeke held my hair back. "I don't get paid enough for this."

My middle finger pointed in his direction.

The girls helped me up. I wasn't in any condition to deal with this mess before me, so I let them drag me away.

Harper helped me wash while Echo sobered up herself.

She sat with her head between her legs.

"Want to talk about what happened back there?" Harper washed my hair.

I tried to shake my head and groaned. "Not really."

"Too bad," She complained. "I'm washing vomit out of your hair. You owe me and explanation."

Echo looked up. "Can you stop yelling?" She yelled, then held her head on either side.

Harper held me back to rinse my hair. "Drink your water," She looked into my eyes. "I think that you're not being as honest with yourself as you think you are and I'll leave it at that."

"Agreed," Echo added.

"Water," Harper demanded.

I grinned a bit at her chugging the canteen.

She helped Echo get her life together while I made my slightly sober self back to the valley.

I hesitated by Murphy's tent.

He had it open while he talked to Emori. "I don't know what to say to her." He sighed. "Should I go check on her?"

He was worried about me?

A small smile tugged at my lips.

"She'll be fine." Emori told him. "Give her time for her blood to make the switch from liquor again."

Hey!

I backed up a bit to enter as naturally as possible.

"Maybe you should just tell her, John. What's the worst that could happen?"

My feet halted where they were. What were they talking about?

He laughed. "You're crazy. I tell her and everything changes. She'll barf on me."

My hand went to my mouth.

"You don't know that." Emori tried to convince him otherwise.

"Maybe I don't but it's not worth the risk."

Not worth the risk. That's what Zeke had said too. Apparently getting to know me romantically wasn't worth the effort.

I backed away.

"Because you're in love with her or because you're scared?"

He paused. "Both."

My mouth dropped open. I turned on my heels and ran as best I could to hide behind something. What the what? My heart pounded rapidly, it felt loud enough to wake the valley.

Why was I so freaked out yet so relieved that he wasn't back together with Emori? How did that make any sense?

Their voices got closer as if I couldn't escape the truth.

"Raven?"

I looked up from the tree that I leaned against.

Murphy stared down at me. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

My hand went to my stomach. I looked between him and Emori. "Yeah, I'm gathering myself." My eyes settled on his.

As he walked toward me my heart double timed. He got to his knees, his blue eyes gazed into mine.

Instantly my eyes glazed over. "I thought you were going to die." I tried to hold it all in.

His head shook. "It would be really boring around here without me," He joked. He wrapped me into a hug.

My arms tightened around his neck. "Don't ever do that to me again." My heart slowed down to its normal pace. I didn't want to let him go.

He pressed a kiss into my hair. "I'm sorry for scaring you."

My eyes flashed open. He kissed my head. Like actually kissed my head. He'd done it enough times for it to be normal for us but I was only now realizing that it went so much deeper than that for him.

We pulled away to look at each other.

His eyes gazed at me the same way I thought they had since we became close, but there was more in it. Maybe there had always been more in it and I was just now seeing it.

He wiped my remaining tears away with his thumb that trailed a line of nerve endings down my face that I hadn't felt in a long time. He gave a grin that was kind of cute. "You turn into a drinker when I'm not around, good to know."

My eyes lightly rolled at his teasing, but I felt myself blush, and then I saddened. "You're okay now," I hugged him again. My lips went to the crook between his neck and shoulder. Being connected to him just felt right. That feeling only ever happened every so often.

He held me close to him. He was so warm.

I kissed his neck. "You're okay."

He became immobile.

"You're okay." I kissed his cheek. I wasn't sure what possessed me to do so but I moved my lips over until we shared the same breath.

Neither of us moved to pull away or close the distance.

My head was screaming at me, but the remaining alcohol had me locked into place. And a hundred percent confused about why this felt so good.

"Raven," His breath tickled my lips. "I'm sorry,"

I was trying to figure out why he apologized when I felt something hard poke me. My eyes widened.

He looked truly mortified. "I'm sorry, I've got to go." He removed me from his lap.

"Murphy," I tried to get him to stay but it was no use, he was off.

I sat there trying to make sense of what transpired between us and why my own pants were a little warm.

A/N: I don't have time to edit this before work. There will be a more bellarke focus next chapter. I'm so hopped up on Murven. Follow my Instagram zaven_murven :) Please let me know what you thought of the chapter. Also this doesn't mean Murven is happening next chapter or the one after that, but it is the start of a new chapter between them.


	6. Trainwreck

The songs for this pov are Tove Lo - Habits, The Lumineers - Ophelia, and James Arthur - Trainwreck

MURPHY'S POV:

FOUR DAYS AGO

It was hard being a dick with a conscience. Things that didn't matter to you before suddenly became all that mattered. Raven, for instance, was one of the best people that inhabited my life. But I was so undeserving of her that I now considered backing out of her life. For good.

Maybe I was an idiot that was being melodramatic. Or maybe I was finally realizing the right thing to do. Because in what life did I deserve even her friendship after what I'd done to her?

I walked around for a bit, then went to sit on the rocks to clear my head. My life as of late revolved around my raven-haired best friend. I was really glad that we started the boot camp but it felt like it had been awhile since we last went. We only postpone them for one of two reasons; three or more people can't make it or one of the instructors can't make it. People get busy. We're flexible. Sometimes some of us will still do a toned down version of the obstacle course. I wanted to do it now but I couldn't muster up the energy.

Something crawled over my hand.

My eyes darted to the cockroach chilling. He was a big one. Under different circumstances, I would've killed the bugger but it was kind of cute.

"Come here often?" I opted for light conversation.

It obviously didn't talk back.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

Ralph, I decided his name was, scurried off at the sound of another.

Zeke walked up to me. "Hey,"

I turned my gaze away to the stars. "Hey,"

"Mind if we talk?" He stood awkwardly with his hands on his hips.

My shoulders shrugged. "Talk,"

We hadn't ever had a problem before. Initially, I was jealous of him because I could see that Raven was into him but that never hindered our working relationship. I didn't want that to happen. The guy was cool. He would be good for Raven. Better than I could be.

He stood there with this assessing look on his face. "Why'd you say all that stuff to Raven earlier?"

Right away my irritation flickered. "I'm sorry, isn't that what you wanted me to say? Aren't you trying to date her?"

"Can we not pretend that you have a thing for her?"

My forehead creased. "What do you want me to say, Shaw? I think you'll be good for her."

He sat on one of the lower rocks. "So you do like her,"

A huff left me. "Does that matter? She'd never go for me, not that I'd blame her." I whisper yelled at him. "Why are you even here? Did you come to get a rise out of me?"

His head shook. "Nope," He gave a small chuckle. "I think Raven is an incredible woman. Beyond incredible really. I just think it's funny how she's convinced herself that you don't care for her in that way."

"What are you going on about?"

He stared me straight in the eyes. "If Raven chose to be with me that would be great...but I can't shake the feeling that if she knew how you really felt she'd feel differently. You mean a great deal to her. That much is obvious."

My irritation turned to rage. I stood with balled fists. "Why'd you even care? We both know I don't stand a chance! And why would I? She's the smartest woman I know. Why in the world would she fall for me?" I felt like I was going to explode. "Why are you bringing this up?!"

He reached me at the top of the rocks. "Let's go for a walk." His voice was a bit cryptic.

PRESENT

Trying to work around these stitches proved to be impossible while I tried to lift my shirt with minimal pain. Such a thing was non-existent I figured out. I gave up in frustration halfway through, a loud curse left me.

"Grumpy much?"

I peered over the collar of my shirt while my hands were still infused with my shirt. Raven lingered at the foot of the entrance. After last night I wasn't sure if we'd see much of each other so soon.

"Only on days that end in Y," I answered.

She chuckled. "Need some help?"

I wasn't in a position to decline so I nodded. "I'm afraid I look as stupid as I feel." I wasn't quite talking only about the shirt situation.

She stood in front of me, her hands pulled the shirt effortlessly over my head.

My body relaxed, but a wince left me when I corrected my stance. My stomach was beyond sore but if I put things into perspective, my sore stomach was nothing compared to Raven's leg. So I tried to suck it up.

An unexpected tingle hit me when she traced her fingers up the stitching. Her face filled with worry but there was something else mixed in there when her eyes met mine after my hand covered hers.

"Does it hurt?"

Perspective.

My head shook. "I've been through worse."

Her head tilted. "That's not what I asked. Are you in pain?"

Without thinking about it I grabbed her hand. "No, not right now." I offered a half grin.

She held her focus on my stomach long enough for me to wonder if the scare was the only thing that caught her attention.

"I was going to come find you later," I started. "But now that you're here...Do you want to talk about last night?"

We stared at each other, trying to gauge what the other thought or knew.

I backed up toward my bed.

She followed. One of her hands went to my side and the other to my oblique when I had trouble sitting down without strain. Her face was close to mine. "You okay?" She made sure my stitching was still intact as she sat right beside me.

My head nodded. "Yeah," I watched her take caution with me and thought how ironic.

She looked up, her hands lingered on my bare skin. Her breath danced across my lips in the way that made me want to kiss her, but I knew it would be a bad idea. Her eyes lowered.

I held in my grin. "Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Her voice was strained.

"Maybe because I freaked you out last night." My leg was pressed against hers and she hadn't moved it yet. "It just happened, Raven."

Her eyes stared into mine. "It just happened? It didn't mean anything?"

Now was my chance to reaffirm our friendship. Things didn't have to change because I got a bit excited and she saw. She and I could be friends. I didn't have to risk it all.

Yet, "Did you want it to mean something?" came out of my mouth. It wasn't an omission of love declared but it was enough for her to know I was interested. I think.

She tried to find her words, but couldn't. Eventually, her face heated up in embarrassment.

"Raven," I sighed, my hand went to her leg. "I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable. But I'm a guy and you're you, you know?" I didn't have a better explanation than that. I removed my hand.

She didn't say anything, her head just laid on my shoulder.

I brought my arm around her so that she leaned against my chest, she made sure not to touch my stitching. It felt like home again, not the sense of being comfortable with your surroundings and feeling safe, but the feeling of being around your family. Raven was my family in a way the others could never be.

RAVEN'S POV:

All day I'd been sober. Which was enough time for me to go to Zeke in his office.

I rolled up to him in a chair. "Hey, got a minute?"

"Depends?" He focused on his work. "Are you going to blame me for everything going wrong again?"

My smile tightened. "I deserve that." A sigh left me. "I know I was pretty awful the past few days. That had nothing to do with you just as a clarification. I was hurt and scared, I shouldn't have taken that out on you. Especially when you've been nothing but nice to me."

He nodded. "Thanks." He still hadn't looked at me.

I leaned forward to get his attention. "Hey, I'm also sorry I flaked on you with the satellite stuff but it looks like you didn't need my help anyway. We have music from the past, that's pretty awesome."

His dark eyes looked at me. "It's not enough. Or maybe it's too much." He looked off in the distance.

"You've got the brains to monitor this thing, okay? So be more confident in yourself. You can't put that pressure on something that's completely out of your hands."

He sighed, then glanced at me. "I've been working on this design. It's not great compared to what we used to have but it could change society drastically." He looked around, then his design popped up on the monitor.

"It's a small tablet," My eyebrows raised.

"No," He gave a small laugh. "It's a cellphone."

He'd briefly talked about the dangers he feared with it before but with the design right in front of my face, I couldn't understand his worry. It would be a great reinvention that could help us progress further.

"Do it. The worst that can happen is that it starts to go how you imagine and then we have to write a virus to wipe them out."

He gave me a look. "That's sketchy logic."

I shrugged. "It's the best we've got." I wheeled over to his supplies. "Let's build the test pilot." This was my official apology because I had been really awful to him.

He smiled at my tenacity before he wheeled himself over to help.

We worked on the device the better part of the day, grabbed some food to catch up on things outside of work. We actually very little time to really talk about life before I ruined it. It felt really nice again to have someone to talk to that I had no interest in.

Monty's performance struck my music chords.

"Drink?" The new server came to our table. He offered an alcohol list.

"Not for me," Zeke waited for me to answer for myself.

The temptation was there to down a glass to make it easier to cope but it wouldn't have fixed anything. I would've been dark and lonely again.

My head shook. "No thanks." I turned to watch Monty play.

"Hey," Zeke called.

I looked at him over my shoulder.

"Proud of you."

My mouth formed a small smile. "Thanks." I turned back.

We listened to the beautiful acoustic music Monty created. Harper surprised us by coming out to sing.

"I had no idea she could sing," Zeke said impressed.

I nodded. "Me either."

After we congratulated Monty and Harper on their set we parted ways.

I grabbed my guitar and made my way to the rocks. The sunset highlighted the best part of the sky as day made the transition into night. Staring at the sunset became one of my favorite pastimes after coming back down. I faced away from the valley. My guitar felt right in my arms and I reprimanded myself for not turning to it instead of alcohol over the last few days. The song I'd practiced for weeks now made perfect sense, it was almost scary. For those few days, I went down a rabbit hole. I felt like I was on the path to becoming my mother. That shook me to my core.

"I gotta stay high all the time. To keep you off my mind. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. High all the time to keep you off my mind. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. Spend my days locked in a haze. Trying to forget you, babe. I fall back down. Gotta stay high all my life. To forget I'm missing you. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. I gotta stay-Ahh!" I jumped at the sudden sight of another person but it was only Murphy. My hand smacked his bicep. "Don't do that."

He must've forgotten about his stitches because his laughter made him wince as he sat next to me, his body faced the opposite direction.

My hand went to his stomach for some reason.

His warmth radiated around me, I felt like I was a part of it. He stared at me.

"I could've flipped you. You could've gotten hurt." I warned.

He grinned. "Yeah, your scream really hit that on the head." His forehead was dotted in a sheen of sweat that showed how much extra effort he had to put into going places.

I placed my guitar to the side and loosened my ponytail so that I could put it in a sloppy bun near the top of my head. "I could take you and you know it."

"You should pick on someone your own size," He teased and it fell away all too quickly.

"What's going on?"

His gaze focused on one of the lower rocks. "I've been thinking about my parents a lot during my recovery." He shrugged just a bit.

I stilled. He barely opened up about his parents. They were a monumental chess piece in how he ended up. I think he blamed them and loved him for it at the same time.

His blue eyes found mine. "If I hadn't gotten sick my dad wouldn't have had to steal that medicine, my mom wouldn't have died from the bottle. I wouldn't have been so messed up, maybe I wouldn't have gotten arrested." He met my eyes. "Maybe I wouldn't have shot you." He gave a sad half grin. "I shouldn't have said I was glad that I shot you, Raven. That was really dumb. I just want you to know that if I could wish for anything I'd wish for you to get your leg back." He knew how to hit me right in the heart.

My hand went to rest on top of his on a rock. "As nice as those thoughts are they aren't real. You don't know what would've happened if any one of those variables changed." I stared hard into his eyes to make sure he got the message. "I wouldn't change anything about us if I could. Not me getting shot. Not you being who you were. Not who you are now. Nothing." I shook my head a little.

He blinked back the shininess in his eyes.

I grinned to myself. Our time spent together was the most calming time of my day. With everything we've been through, we didn't have to bullshit each other. Most of the time. In the back of my head, I couldn't shake his confession to Emori that he was in love with me. Knowing that probably should've changed how I interacted with him but here I was with my hand still on top of his.

He looked down at it briefly, then faced forward. "Will you play me something?"

I nodded.  
Something crawled across my other hand. I looked down, my eyes widened, and I screamed. I shook it off and swiftly jumped into his lap to get away from the giant cockroach.

Murphy held me into place. "Relax." He had one hand flat against my back and the other grabbed my thigh.

My head shook. "Kill it." I clutched to him.

"Raven, it's okay." His cool and collected voice made me raise my brow at him. "He's cool. He's with me."

I couldn't hide the disgust on my face. "What is your problem?"

He chuckled. "He found me the other day. Guess we bonded."

I tried to wrap my head around that. "You have a cockroach as a pet?" My voice came out incredulously. "Seriously?"

"Come on," He nodded toward him. "He's cute. And he likes you."

I twisted in his lap and peered at him. "Agree to disagree. The only cockroach I like is you."

He grew still.

My eyes met his.

He gazed at me up close and personal.

This close it was impossible for me to not see all of the things that Zeke said that were undoubtedly true. They scared me but not enough to pull away. I should've probably taken a deeper assessment of the confusion that brewed in me. I could've blamed the alcohol for my boldness last night. Or it could've been another factor, one that could've entailed that I wasn't totally unaffected by him as I originally thought.

"Shit," He cursed under his breath.

"What?" I was content in his lap and didn't plan on moving even though it was a good idea.

He looked down at the valley. "I promised Emori I would help her do something." His eyes fell on me again. "What are you doing later?"

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

"What else is there to do in this town?"

He grinned. "I'll come find you after we're done."

I nodded.

He laughed. "You should probably get up."

"Right," My face flushed. I scooted off his lap. "Are you going to take your roach with you?"

It was staring at me.

He handed it some food. "He can stay with you." He winked then carefully made his way back to everyone else.

The nerve. But I kind of liked it.

My night hadn't gone how I pictured. That wasn't a bad thing, but it was an odd thing. Not so long ago I singularly wanted to get to know Zeke. I did that but not in the way I thought I would. It was purely intellectual. Maybe it could've been more if he wasn't so insistent about Murphy liking me. Turned out he was right but if things had furthered with Zeke then I don't know what would've happened.

As I sat watching my friends dance things were put into perspective for me. I was thrown back to my three-day bender while Murphy was under lock and key. I'd danced and drank to my heart's desire but it wasn't really my heart's desire. I used it as a cover-up for when how I didn't want to think about those said feelings that Murphy did have for me. I felt them when he was around me. All it took was a look.

On the outside, it looked like there was nothing left for us to do but be together but I didn't know if it were that simple. My irrational fear that wasn't so irrational of him dying, especially if things progressed and he'd be just another dead lover to add to the list. People acted like dating your best friend was the easiest thing to do. False. The easiest thing to do was to continue being best friends, not romantically entangling yourselves and potentially ruining the friendship.

So I was at a crossroads. Nothing was going to happen with Zeke, not that I wanted it to at this point. So far, nothing really happened with Murphy. Well, we had a few moments today. They were good moments. I liked them.

Thus the reason why I was waiting for him for over an hour while I watched everyone else have fun. My idea of fun was reimagined as having a nice conversation with someone I really wanted to spend time with. Only that someone hadn't shown.

A new song started.

"Oh, oh, when I was younger. Oh, oh, should have known better." The song played.

However, sitting here while some indie song played wasn't in the cards for me.

Clarke stopped dancing with Zeke when she saw me get up.

"Calling it a night?"

I nodded with a tired grin. I didn't want to be that one friend not having fun while I watched my friends get down. Maybe an early night was in order.

I gave Zeke a small wave.

He nodded back.

Just as I turned around I spotted Murphy ahead.

"Oh, oh, got a new girlfriend, he feels like he's on top,"

We stared at each other.

"And I don't feel no remorse, and you can't see past my blinders."

He started walking toward me, I met him in the middle. "Hey,"

"Hey," I grinned.

"Oh, Ophelia, you've been on my mind girl since the flood. Oh, Ophelia, heaven help a fool who falls in love."

He gestured behind him. "Heading out?"

I shrugged. "I was,"

He held his hand out. "Care to dance before you go?"

My hand slid into his.

"Oh, oh, got a little paycheck, you got big plans and you gotta move,"

We made our way to the dance floor. He pulled me close.

My face felt hot with his closeness. I held one of his hands while the other rested on his shoulder. The pit of my stomach felt at unease.

He looked just about as nervous as I felt.

But somehow we got past all of that. When the beat picked up his eyes lightened. "Do you trust me?" His voice filled with a playfulness.

I gave him a look. "I trust you with my life," I thought that was inexplicably apparent.

His eyes danced in mischief like they usually did when he had an idea. He flung me out a few feet away.

My heart hammered at the surprise adrenaline that pumped in my veins. When he pulled me back to him his hands grabbed my waist, shooting receptors to my brain that told me he felt good like this. His smile held no smugness to it, only light.

I smiled back. My hands fell into place so I could hold onto him while he swayed us along the dance floor with no real direction.

We were all laughs and smiles and I couldn't find it in me anywhere to not be happy with him at that moment. There was no pain. My leg wasn't a factor with us even though it should've been. I felt normal when I was with Murphy because he looked at me and he didn't see a woman that was half crippled. And I liked that about him.

The song went back into its chorus and I laughed and laughed because it felt safe to do so. My arms ended up loosely around his neck.

We were infinitely close to each other which was a scary thought but what was this life if you didn't have these amazing bonds with people?

The song changed into something softer.

Some other people were slow dancing so we, in turn, slowed it down.

I was a little below his chin so his mouth was sort of in my line of sight. We held onto each other. I was trying to calm down my heart but the erratic bitch wouldn't listen.

Trying to focus on anything other than how nice this was I tuned into the lyrics.

"Unbreak the broken. Unsay these spoken words. Find hope in the hopeless. Pull me out of the train wreck. Unburn the ashes. Unchain the reactions, I'm not ready to die, not yet,"

Well, I wasn't ready to die and I sure as hell wasn't ready for him to die. Everything flooded back. How he almost died. How he said he was in love with me. How he was aroused by me and I think I liked it. How he looked at me. I couldn't tell if he knew I knew. He was confusing. Maybe I was confusing. I wanted to ask but it would change everything, then I could lose him if he wasn't willing to stay with my friend while I figured things out. He wouldn't really be my friend if that happened, but he wouldn't do that. Would he?

He noticed I was too in my head. His hands slid up my sides to grab my attention.

And grab my attention it did.

"I'm not ready to die, not yet. Pull me out the train wreck."

His eyes locked onto mine. "Ready?"

"Huh?" My hold on him had some slack.

He dipped us low but his arms wrapped around my waist completely.

"You can say what you like 'cause see, I would die for you,"

I grabbed onto his beefy biceps while he kept us down. The blue of his eyes captivated me. My breath hitched with how close his mouth was to mine.

"I, I'm down on my knees and I need you to be my God," The rest of the words faded away. It became only him and I.

"Hold onto me."

My hands slid down his arms. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

His eyes went to my lips.

I felt my face heat up. Was it hot out here or?

He pulled us upright.

Something bright red caught my attention. Red darkened his grey shirt where his stitches were.

I gently touched around it. My eyes snapped to his.

He gave a sheepish half grin.

Anger brimmed in me at his self-sacrificing nature for me. My jaw tightened. "You're an ass," Tears stung my eyes, I pushed past him.

He grabbed onto my arm to pull me back to him. "Raven,"

"Let me go," My voice was icy.

His hold on me fell away.

My eyes looked into his. "Go see Abby. Now." I turned away without another word.

Once I got back to my tent I wanted to cry but Echo was there praying.

Her attention broke when she noticed my presence. She assessed me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," My head shook but the pit in my stomach suggested otherwise. "I'm fine." My voice cracked.

She stood.

A tear rolled down my cheek before I could catch it.

"Honey," She came to me with open arms.

Something in me lurched and everything poured out. I held onto her while I cried. I didn't want to be this dependent on a guy again. Yet here I was, so easily breakable when it came to Murphy. How had this happened?

Echo rubbed my back with the tough warmness she grew to have on the ring. "It's okay to cry. Or to be sad or confused. All these uncertainties make life worth it."

An uncertainty. Was that what I'd call Murphy? It actually fit him to a T in my heart and head.

After I calmed down we sat for a while in comfortable silence.

"I was going to go for a dip in the lake if you want to come?" She offered.

The numb feeling from the surge of emotions left me exhausted. I didn't think I could handle that trek to the lake.

"Not tonight."

She squeezed my shoulder before she left.

I got up from the ground to sit on my bed. My hand loosened my ponytail so my hair fell freely. I undid my leg brace, the whole process was so mechanical by now.

A presence made me look up.

Murphy stood in the entryway. He gazed at me as if he were seeing me for the first time.

"Can we talk?" His voice was the softest I'd ever heard it.

I nodded.

He came inside. His new shirt was blood free. The bed dipped under his weight. "Raven, I think you know how I feel about you." He said flat out, his eyes turned to mine.

My heart lulled, everything froze in me. Fear trickled through my veins. I wasn't ready for this conversation. Was I?

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

He didn't seem bothered by that. He went on to say, "I'm always going to put you first."

"It's not worth it if you die for me,"

He looked forward. "There are worst ways to die," He said jokingly but I wasn't sure he was.

That terrified me.

My hand went to his.

He met my eyes.

"You don't get to decide that. You are too important to me." My eyes fogged up again. "I can't lose you, John."

His hand entwined with mine. He gave a tight grin. "I hate to see you cry," He tried to sound not affected but his voice was shaky.

"Then stop being an idiot."

He laughed.

I watched him with wonder. His feelings were out I supposed, but mine was still out for the jury. The tingles his thumb caused by grazing my wrist I'm sure showed on my face.

He watched me. He leaned in a bit, his breath tickled my mouth. "I'll try my best to not die," His free thumb wiped the wetness from under my eye, then it shifted down my cheek. The passion in his eyes choked me. Then his eyes dropped to my leg brace-free.

I could taste his unnecessary guilt on my tongue. I bit my lip as I stared at him. My stare went to his mouth.

"How'd you do it?" He kept his gaze on my leg. "How'd you forgive me?"

My body leaned forward. My mouth took his just as he turned toward me. I wasn't sure how it was going to go in my head or if I even thought about it, but the real thing was something I wasn't expecting from him. Even though I was the one that initiated it he was soft with me. He let me be in charge of the direction it went. What surprised me more was I was the one to shove my tongue in his mouth. The part of me that had a fraction of a plan hadn't thought it would go this far. A simple peck would have sufficed.

But here we were actually kissing. I wasn't grossed out or turned off like I would've been months ago. I was cupping his face while he was basically stock still. He reciprocated the kiss excellently. I pulled away to catch my breath and I realized I was practically in his lap.

His sapphire eyes gazed into mine. He gulped. "I'm going to go." He slid me off of his lap.

Was it that bad? Did he change his mind? Was he running away?

"I can see the wheels churning in your mechanic head," He attempted to cover the front of his pants. "The answer's no by the way."

Oh.

I fought my grin.

"I'll see you tomorrow," He gave me a look that hit me low in my stomach.

My head nodded. I gave an unsure smile.

"Night." He backed out of the tent.

I laughed. "Night," I said to the air. I watched the spot where he disappeared for a bit, then I fell back on my bed. My fingers traced my lips with the memory of the kiss, our first kiss. Was I already presuming that there'd be a second? Perhaps more?

The act replayed in my mind. A single kiss was all it took for me to reanalyze everything. I didn't hold back my smile this time.

A/N: What do yall think of Raven's development this chapter? Too soon? Plausible? Remember just because they kissed doesn't mean they'll be together now. I know some writers work like that but I don't. If you want to talk about the show follow me on Instagram zaven_murven. I usually will put my thoughts on the episodes on my story but you can DM on there :)


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